Ziarah

ATTENTION : You will need to click on the title of each article to read the full post, yang mana rasa macam tergantung..

To let go, or to lose.

Tuesday, July 29, 2014

CERAPEN.
quick punya:
Dingin hujan. Bacaan terhenti. Mata pandang redup kawan duduk semeja yang dari tadi asyik termenung. 
"Kau okay tak ni? Tak sentuh pun kopi tu. Baik takyah order kopi panas." Sambung baca. 
Tersentak dari lamunan. "To let go or to lose?" Tiba-tiba menyoal. 
'Dah agak dah. Ada lah tu benda dia fikir.' "How bout this - to let go 'and' to lose?" Senyum senget. Provok. 
"Oh." Gamam. "That would hurt too, even more." 
"Then pick." 
"At the moment, I don't even think I have a choice." Hirup sekali.
Buku ditelangkupkan. "I tell you what, you let go when you're ready. And losing, is when you least expected it to happen. It's a matter of heart, and don't burden yours." 
Diam. "Then I guess I've lost?" 
"How u see it." Shrugged. 
"Shish. At least some motivation, come on." Tangan tolak bahu kawan tadi. Tak sempat dia tepis. Gelak. Senafas.
"How you see things." Angkat bahu lagi. Smirked. Bangun. Cawan kertas yang cuma tinggal coffee stain diangkat dari meja. 
Termenung dalam-dalam sampai tembus cawan yang dah suam. Sipped. 
"Oi. I'm off now. You're coming along? Nak lebat dah ni." Sarung kot hujan. 
"Sure." Half a cuppa jet black coffee on the table. 
Dingin hujan dengan hangat kopi benar-benar buat perbualan hari tu tersemat elok dalam kepala otak dia. Ingat sangat.


  cred



***
"Ingat tak dulu...yang....." Faces. Puzzled."Tak ingatlah tu.. Nevermind." Sigh.

Sometimes it's hard for myself to be the only one who remembers. Well most of the time it's creepy enough for some people. Well I don't blame them , tho. mmg creepy pun. Till I decide to just.. pretend I don't remember. Bagi ruang untuk orang bercerita, or longgarkan sikit the creep I'm giving to other people walaupun sebenarnya masih terbayang jelas dan nyata visual satu-satu peristiwa tu berlaku.
-
"You will never forget this huh, Caje?"
"Em. People forget. Sooner or later."
"Nah, no not you."
Mungkin.
Mungkin tak.

Kadang-kadang takut andai ditakdirkan ada masalah memori dan lupa semuanya. Tapi fikir balik, do other people actually care if I .. forge(o)t?


---

Dulu dekat sekolah ambe ni pendiam orangnya dan jenis yg bottle up je. Tapi bottle up tu,dalam konteks sesama manusia berdepan depan.. kalau nk kata kategori byk cakap pun, sllnya among kawan2 yg ckp kl jugak. k. sedihkan. haha. but I have my other world. eh ye ye je other world. Tapi ye lah, bila nak cakap apa apa yang tak tahu nak cerita dekat sape, terus blog. Orang yang baca je tahu tapi followernya dulu bkan yang kita kenal betul pun in real life so xde lah rasa mcm memberatkan kepala dgn cerita kita. Terpulanglah nk kisah ke tak kan. Tapi sekarang rasa macam selalu je share dengan orang even the littlest thing. Selalunya bkan pasal diri sendirilah. Kalau pasal diri sendiri rasa mcm "Er. Korang nak tahu ke?" "Er, takde org nk tahu kot. Tak menarik" Leuls. Tapi kadang-kadang tak perasan, mungkin tercerita jugak.

Dari zaman sekolah lagi orang yg akn dtg dan bercerita. Even yang tak rapat langsng pun, they would come, and I would listen. and I feel honoured, alhamdlillah.
 Sebenarnya they are pouring into my bottle since it's not like I'm gonna tell other people pun. Sampai satu masa I guess, the bottle was almost full and I begin pouring some for other people around.. rasa nak share, sbb rasa mcm semua org boleh benefit. Might quench their thirst, who knows?

I'd say that would be masa dekat CFS. sebab apa? masa tu dah mula bizi sampai tak sempat nk blog, tapi rasa mcm nk cerita jgak so end up cerita saja pada orang terdekat. dan rasanya sebab lainnya sebab loghat. I'd rather diam daripada bersuara and tarik perhatian orang because of my 'alien' dialect. Tapi once dah masuk asasi, the barrier is gone dan rasanya masa tulah semakin selesa berkongsi cerita dengan orang. Not realising some of them too have bottles that were already almost full and didn't wish to get more from me.

Only when I found out the spilling got overboard, I told myself I need to stop. Don't spill too much, dear self. You could only find yourself having a hard time to clean the mess up if things went wrong, and things went wrong.

Well I guess until I find another empty bottle, I should just keep mine full, and sealed. Pandai-pandai cari ruang sendiri jangan banjirkan botol orang. 

---
"Lamanya tak duduk dengan korang macam ni. Korang, sometimes I wonder, what if I go back to becoming the reserved one yg xbyk cakap, yg prefer diam je..?"
Qila pandang. Faham. Ayu dah buat muka. Qila cakap,
 "You know Ayu..Caje and I, we actually share a pretty similar high school experience.."
"Tapi kitorang tak tahu pun cerita masing-masing into the details, sebenarnya, but we understand pretty much how both of us are feeling."

Diam lagi tunggu Qila. Rasa macam tak perlu cerita apa-apa, I think she knew what to say.
"Caje. Saya pun dulu remember everything but overtime I choose to forget. Sometimes what happened that very minute is meant to be on that very minute je. Kholas. Tutup cerita..."
But I don't wanna forget. Dalam hati.
"At some points you have to discard things.."
Separa akur.
"It's much better to forget and smile, than to remember and be sad." Ye?

---
"Akak tahu tak haritu measuring tape Syaza tak lepas security Penang Airport!! Sedih!! Serius, sedih tahap boleh menangis, Syaza rasa."
"Mesti sentimental value kan..."
"Ha ahh.. Dahlah kena paksa beli dlu dengan Bro Ariff. Syaza tengok measuring tape tu, terus terimbau2 masa kita kena measure KAED dulu, kenangan kot..."
"Syaza ni,akak rasa kena buang sikit sentimental tu.. Hahah." Kak Hawa berseloroh, tapi tetap sentap sebab lately asyik fikir pasal being sentimental.
"Kan? Rasanyalah.
Kak hawa, kalau Syaza cakap Syaza ni pendiam dekat sekolah, akak percaya?" Pandang bawah. Main tudung.
"Percaya.." Kak hawa senyum. Damainya tengok.
"Eh?rasa mcm dah byk cakap sangat sekarang.." Pandang bangunan seberang. Takreti cakap benda-benda gini depan2..  kang okwed. Hahah k.
"Syaza,bila bercerita,Syaza share pasal orang, Syaza happy pasal orang. Tapi jaranglah akak rasa, Syaza share pasal Syaza sendiri."
Oh. Terharu jap sebenarnya sbb tu bnda kecik2, I seldom got people telling me macam mana saya sebenarnya di mata diorang. haha.
"Itulah. Tapi lately macam apa Syaza share, bebankan orang tanpa sedar."
"Takde apalah Syaza. Kan Syaza cakap, bergantung pada kita sendiri bila tengok satu2 benda. Macam kalau Syaza cerita dekat akak, tanggungjawab akaklah untuk ambik sisi baik dari cerita tu, buat pengajaran."

Sayang kakak saya seorang ni. Masa tengah rasa serabut dia boleh tenang lagi nasihatkan orang. Tenang je.


---
Tapi ntahlah. I guess I should, slow down dlu? Kembali kurangkan bercakap dan lebihkan mendengar je. Macam dlu.
Sebab perspektif semua orang berbeza.
Sedihlah kalau what seems to be a blisful blessing to me somehow jadi burden untuk orang lain.
benda yang kita ingat normal je, rupanya ada orang rasa tak senang hati,
benda yang kita tak terlintas nak ckp inilah yang terbaik, rupanya ada org fikir macam tu,
Taknaklah macam tu..
Ya iyalah.
Maybe listeners, are born to be, listeners. Not to be listened.
Or maybe that would be applicable to just, me.

Mungkin perlu kembali berbicara sama cermin.
Mirror on the wall, here we are again 
Through my rise and fall 
You've been my only friend 
You told me that they can understand the man I am 
So why are we here 
talkin' to each other again?

Tapi kan sebenarnya, susah nak buat-buat lupa when I can clearly replay the visual bila sesuatu perkara tu berlaku. kbai. lalala~ kbai. 
 
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