Ziarah

ATTENTION : You will need to click on the title of each article to read the full post, yang mana rasa macam tergantung..

So chill

Saturday, December 26, 2015

That feeling when you realised gelang makin longgar, baju, kain even yang was once tailor-made kena tambah pin extra sebab dah menggelebeh... Dan tak rasa senyuman berlemak..

And you can climb the stairs sampai tingkat 5 hari-hari without panting too heavily like you used to, and that you don't mind walking from mahallah to kulliyyah.

and when those who haven't met you for a while asked "Is everything okay?" "Stress ke belajar?" sbb terkejut tgk lain... "Eh. Dah susut. Nampak lain." (But people who have never seen me at my heaviest would definitely go "Huh? Celoh mana kurusnya...?")

And when people around actually starting to notice.




Thennnnn come your brothers.
"SAMA JE."

-______-

---
Walaupun kadang-kadang rasa fed up bila orang, makcik2 tah dari mana pandang kita mcm alahai dia ni tak reti jaga makan ke, mesti pemalas ni, gemuknya lah, takde sape nak ni nanti, tak teringin nak kurus ke and what not...

I've lost almost 30kg. I shall work for more but I'm not doing it for you. So chill.

Chill.
Seriously.

By the way, I've heard people said,  something like, don't say you're losing weight because we'd normally hope to find back what we've lost. I definitely not want to regain those lost kilos. So yeah, I have not lost 30kg, I have gotten rid of 30kg.
There. aha

--

IG: November 4, 2015

Gated and guarded, double protection...
/lah sangat/

Selepas graduasi nanti.

Monday, November 30, 2015


IG: November 20, 2015

Hello from level 80. ^^
Walaupun duk rasa "Alah setakat naik elevator tekan butang apalah sangat."
It felt like a privilege.. sebab kali ni bukan kita yang sedia kertas kerja nak hadap protokol ke apa.


IG: November 20, 2015

"I like this meeting room. It's so small yet we're actually here inside a tower known to the world. We should be like that too. Be a towering personality, but stay humble and approachable."

---
The other day, I attended this one workshop for post-graduation.
Honestly, I am not the type to go for this kind of stuff. I couldn't care less. I even dropped my Leadership class after my first day of class and registered for debating niche instead.
For one reason: I did not like it when we were forced to answer a quiz -

"There was a race to climb a very talll coconut tree, between a monkey, a chimpanzee, and an orang utan.. Who do you think would get the most amount of bananas within the shortest period of time?"
I refused to answer it. "Why would there be bananas on a coconut tree?"
The coordinator went "Just answer it. Alah, you're not a fun person. Just answer it for the sake of participating."
Eksekiiuusss me. This, is not my definition of fun. I have heard of this masa zaman sekolah dlu, I laughed back then because I fell into it. I am being rationale now. I don't quite remember if I ended up jawab ke tak tah but I didn't like the feeling lah. I think I did, just to 'participate'... And when the answer is revealed
"You guys obviously are stressing over something and weren't being attentive. There's no bananas.. They're climbing a coconut tree!!"
Everyone laughed. DUUUUUHHH.
Hahaha i sound like someone who needs a "Why so serious" slap hah. Pft.

Annnyyyway. Back to the workshop I had to attend.

Had to bring our resume and since I have two versions, one specially designed for design-related job seeking, and one basic format.. I was hm.. Noticed?

The workshop is meant to help us secure first, interview(s) and later, job(s).

"Do this" "Don't do that."
Semua benda ada je ABC nya, ada je 123 nya.
I questioned everything. "Really?" "Seriously?" "Do we have to?"
And yea I went "An honest question: These are the basic do's and don't's.. I was wondering, if everyone did the same, whatever happens to individuality? How are we standing out?"
Expected answer, "Be memorable but don't end up looking like a fool." How, exactly? Indefinite.
That's just it. It depends on the company and the nature of work we're applying for as well.

"But don't be too outstanding. Most employers find this kind of people as rebels, and rebels will bring nothing but problems. Often, they can't work well with others."

Ok.

Cari kerja dah macam cari jodoh pula. We are unconsciously trying so hard grooming ourselves to be accepted, only to find whose devil plays well with ours. At the end of the day I believe it is all back to the question of, rezeki.
If it's meant to be it's meant to be.

Dua tahun.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015




Boleh tak nak rindu momen-momen ni?

Dua tahun dah rupanya.

Tengok balik semua gambar, video.
Video-video unintended ter-rakam.
Video-video bloopers.

Pastu terngiang balik segala benda, time kita buat segala trial and error.
Dan segala benda yang menyusul kemudian-kemudiannya.

Lord.

Apa-apa kerja berkumpulan, I cannot help but bandingkan dgn this one.


Terima kasih, semua. Setiap seorang made a mark on me.

Love well, live well.


Halakanlah yang baik-baik.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

Quote.
[Jika cemerlang dakwah, maka orang sekeliling (terutama yang rapat) akan selesa dengan peribadi kita, kita akan menabur wangi pada agama] Teme.

"Menabur wangi, pada agama."
Sentap.
Rasa tanggungjawab.
That rings a bell.. oh yeah.
My own name. ---
Nur. Cahaya. 
Syaza. Keharuman. 
_diyanah. Agama.

Teringat how Adilla always likes to say my name but not in its actual form. (gedit gedit. alah. gedit lah)

"Assalamualaikum, Keharuman Deen!!"
"Waalaikumsalam wbt, Light of Justice!"

---

Had a em, an impromptu but healthy discussion with a couple of friends during our lunch break the other day lepas kelas LE4000 (English for Academic Writing). Pasal tolerance in Malaysia. Non-Muslims dengan Muslims, Muslims dengan Muslims sendiri.. Pasal individual tests and struggles..

 *friend 1 is a guy, friend 2 is a girl.

Me:
Ntahlah. Sesetengah orang overlah, duk takut nnt murtad lah, agama tu ada agenda lah agama ni ada konspirasilah apa lah. I don't know lah. Just, believe your belief is good, but don't belief other's is not good.. Toleratelah.

Friend 1:
Yes. Especially when it comes to clashes between you and your own family members... I personally do not favour ustaz yg jenis kalau 'tak buat ni, masuk neraka.' Neraka. Neraka. Neraka! And my mum brings that home!! "Ayah, kalau anak tak tutup aurat, masuk nerakaaa."  And masa kita pergi heritage haritu, site kita St Joseph's Novitiate tu pun she went crazy, ey jgn masuk gerejaaa. Ada jin jin dia apa semua. Luckily my dad was the more open one and tried to rationalise things for her. My parents are aging, I know .. and they are looking for this opportunity nak tambah ilmu-ilmu agama...
But somehow it disturbs me lah, this kind of approaches.. my parents would of course take everything seriously... They are willing to follow now.....
Ah I've been trying to hold this for so long and just anggap mcm a pinch of salt je, but tak boleh lahhh. For some people this kind CAN be a push....

Me:
..but for some other people, it is what pushes them away from religion...

Friend 1:
Yesssss.

Friend 2:
Dulu, masa dekat CFS dlu, you know how everyone was so, how do i put it, pushy? Masa tu, even though there were so many reminders suruh tutup aurat, tak tutup aurat berdosa, semua tu.. I tak terasa pun nak pakai tudung. Outing je, I pakai jubah, keluar, terus bukak tudung. But when I come here and know you guys, when I look at how eh they are not being as judgemental as I thought they are going to be. And I slowly start pakai tudung here, but bila balik rumah I masih free hair.. Then baru I start pakai bila balik rumah.. It was a slow, gradual progress lah. The realisation came without feeling forced.. It feels nice lah.

Me:
Yelah, kita lg suka nak dengar 'buatlah ni, nnt msuk syurga'. Jgnlah asyik 'kalau tak buat ni, nnt masuk neraka' je.

 Friend 1:
Yes. Same implication, but different methods. Phewh thank you for the healthy discussion, im gonna have my lunch now.

Me:
Ahahah start pasal rainbow je pun tadi. Jadi such discussion...

---

I have been talking about this 'are we doing the right thing' among my, like what I said earlier, among those yg share this 'nasib'.. As in, yang somewhat di-tarbiyah-untuk-mentarbiyah-but-ha-sekarang-duk-tarbiyah-ke-tak-ni-sebenarnya gitulah. You know what I mean.
Jadi selesa bercerita bila they said they had a similar thought as mine.

A few months back, one of my high school friends posted an article in our batch group and asked for our opinions. I was afraid to give my opinion sebenarnya, takut I put it wrongly and people misunderstood and bam I am doomed. But I commented anyway. 

Personally rasa this article is a very good read, utk kita dpt sikit gambaran, utk kita try faham org lain yg ada background mcm penulis. Tapi kan, from another perspective, as kita yg ada background lain sikit, as in yg ada basic sekolah agamalah paling kurang pun, artikel mcm ni buat kita rasa mcm "Dah kalau semua benda ada rationalisation, tgl apa je kita boleh buat utk 'amar maruf nahi mungkar' sebenarnya?"

..

To be honest, lps kenal lg byk jenis manusia dr mcm2 background hidup, I learn to be more careful sebelum keluarkan apa-apa statement. Tak terus ckp hukum itu ini begitu begini. Anggap mcm, dlu kita tau teori je, hakikatnya apa2 teori yg kita faham dgn mudahnya, mgkin tak mudah bg dia nak hadam. Cara hidup org berbeza, cara fikir pun. Cara menerima pun berbeza so cara approach pun kenalah berbeza. Tak semua org mampu dilentur dgn darjah yg sama. Fikir, a high degree may bend steel in minutes, but the same temperature melts an ice cube in no time, or even let it disappear, gone. Yadda yadda. 

So end up, instead of tegur direct, I chose to guna cara tegur berkias. It took some time but it worked, alhamdulillah. So this way worked for some people, but it might not be for some others. I keep that in mind. 

..
Tp with most people in other situations, rasa mcm diri ni lebih byk berdiam diri. dan rs bersalah sbb diamkan je. Rs mcm tgh tak buat apa. Padahl tahu kena buat sstu, kena tegur sbnrnya. Pstu sll ckp kat diri sndiri "Selemah-lemah iman lah ni." "Takpe, dakwah bilhal." "takpe, slow-slow." "takpe, mana thu nnt dia jauh lg baik, semua org boleh berubah."
Tp kdg2 trfikir, ke ni semua alasan je, alasan sbb nk jaga hati kawan? Alasan sbb taknk nmpk mendesak?
... Maka begitulah. Ntahlah. Tp artikel ni is a good read still. A good read bkn utk topik ni je, boleh relate dgn bnd2 lain. Relate in term of when someone is doing things differently, they have their own reasons and it's good if we can stop buat semua benda ada jawapan hitam putih, ada pilihan ABCD je. But somehow bila baca ni, terngiang2 yg org ckp "tertutup jgn smpi jumud, terbuka jgn smpi hanyut."I guess everything is always good when done moderately? ...
Cuma nnt org akan tny, siapa yg tentukan cara dia yg terbaik, siapa yg ada hak ckp cara org lain tak berapa tepat? And who to judge how good is good and how bad is bad? Bila ckp gunalah AlQuran jd ukuran, there will always be a counter question yg akn ckp, then what about those yg still do good but do not believe in the rules as lined in the quran?

Annnnd others that commented said the article promotes secularism, liberal and stuff. Annnnd I have this feeling that if they look at how I think from my recent facebook posts on certain issues these days that I choose to give my say, they might feel like I'm being heh, liberal, acah-moderate too. Mkay. LGBTQShowcasing Good Deeds... 

Pernah dulu, "Akak rasa, perlu ke orang yang LGBTQ ni dibash? Perlu ke undang-undang main peranan? Ke biar and anggap itu urusan dia dengan Tuhan?"
At the end of the discussion, I added
"But my opinions may be different if I happen to have friends yang mengaku dorang gay or apa. Sekarang, ye lah akak cakap je, akak boleh cakap je apa akak rasa the best approach sebenarnya. Tapi.. taktahulah. Like how my opinions may not be the same towards org tak pakai tudung, if akak tak pernah ada kawan-kawan yang tak pakai tudung. Our opinions can be volatile. and they are shaped by our surroundings."

I am always afraid to start a discussion with my fellow BADAR committees, I had always been slightly different sebab I have had friends yang tak pakai tudung, and sgt seksi pun ada, even best friends pun.. dari zaman sekolah rendah. While they are amongst those yang memang dapat pendidikan agama dari keluarga, and kawan-kawan pun semua tahu basic agama, jaga solat, jaga aurat gitu lah ceritanya. 

And I came across this,
If Dajjal appears Moderate Muslims will be like: "I know it says kafir on his forehead, but you don't know what's in his heart."
Huhuhu. I felt like I don't know what to think anymore. 


I have a few juniors who came up to me and said things like,

"Kak Syaza. I wanna meet you so badly."
"Kak Caje, saya ada benda nak cerita."
Ada depan-depan, ada through text messages, fb inbox.. And turns out, they are experiencing almost, very, similar experience as I am. And lepas berjumpa, they said "Saya tahu saya boleh cerita dengan akak.. Akak lain.. Akak fahamm.." "It feels good to share with you."

And there are times where my friends said to me
"Masa hang cakap pasal jenis-jenis tudung tu, ambe tak pernah jumpa orang macam hang. Orang yang fikir macam hang. Hang orang pertama yg ambe jumpa masa tu.." or
"Syaza, akak rasa dulu akak pun jumud. Tapi lepas apa yang Syaza cakap, buat akak fikir balik.."
and ada yang sambil menangis cakap,
"Thank you for showing me that I can be myself while trying to be a better person. Thank you for not making me feel bad of myself. Thank you for not being like other people I have met before."



Alhamdulillah, I am glad they benefited. But instead of feeling flattered that they approve my way and tell me that it has made them a different person, I am actually a bit more worried in the sense that I thought,

"Eh. Betul ke apa aku cakap sebenarnya?"



Yelah. Bila beliau cakap "Dulu akak rasa akak jumud" ... what if what she thought as jumud tu, itulah the best approach.
"Aku tak fikir macam aku fikir dulu." ... Dulu. What ifff they had it dah betul dah tu dulu... tapi tetiba I shared with them those things I said which had caused them to shift their perspectives pulak.
Mungkin ye lah we were a bit harsh dulu tapi ye lah kan orang kata, "Memanglah pahit, tapi kebenaran memang selalu sakit. Berani kerana benar" stuff like that. What IFFFFF I'm inculcating a totally wronnng idea? What have I done to them, have I brought them away from the truth? HOOOOWWW.
Ha cemtulah dilemma.

Dan bila ada another group of kawan-kawan yang start, "berhijrah", they start posting all those dakwah materials. A part of me, loves seeing how they are happier now that they claim they have found the peace they have been searching for. Alhamdulillah. But another part of me actually has mixed feelings about it. And I feeel bad for feeling that.

Macam mana nak cakap.

I mean, all those stuff that they post are... somewhat.. familiar? I used to talk about those. I used to share those. But just.. not anymore? I have always been careful of what I used to share. Now I am being extra careful. And I am not even sure if it is the best thing to do. 


I am aware of my responsibility untuk tegur, tapi most of the time, I keep quiet. very often. Tak berani, tak terkeluar.




During our earlier years doing degree, one of my studiomates pakai seluar jeans koyak dekat lutut. It's a she. 
Masa tu tak berapa kenal orang, tak berapa rapat sgt dgn beliau, sekadar senyum and hey gitu je, tentu tentulah tak tahu macam mana nak tegur. And she sat next to me. I was doing my work and I decided to not say anything about her pants. Taknak akward pulak nanti. Dahlah baru fasa nak kenal-kenal... Pastu came one of my guy friends, terus cakap
"Woi kau ni tak de seluar yg sopan sikit ke?!" and this friend next to me went "Eh suka hati aku lah! kau kisah kenapa?"
And saya (ha serious masih taktahu nak bahasa diri apa dkt blog sendiri pft) still diam je kat tepi tu. This friend yang tegur, is not someone from my high school background pun, macam tegur, cakap main-main, happy happy, he might not be so serious about it anyway, but WEY SYAZA, AT LEAST DIA TEGUR OH, KO BUAT APA?? .... 
pstu datang another friend, also not from our so-called background bertarbiah, ckp, "Lain kali kau cakap je, aku nak nasihat kau ni... sebagai saudara seIslam... haa gitu." Pastu this guy pandang and gelak, "Haaa kemain pulak kalau aku ckp mcm tu. Tgk Syaza! Syaza diam je, takkan aku nak cakap macam tu kannn.." masa tu, walaupun nada dia gurau-gurau je, tapi bagi diri ni that statement was like, ya Allah sentaaaaaap sangat sangat sangat, tusuk tembus terus. Bilaalah nk berani tegur depan pun tak tahu.. Masa Lower Form, I used to be the one yg suka tegur direct, kekonon tgh ada semangat "nahi mungkar" lah gittu nak-nak pulak bru masuk sekolah agama kenn. leuls. but then I realised, things dont work the same on everyone.


By the way. The sister happens to be among those I am comfortable with now. 
"Aku nak jadi baik-baik, tapi aku tak ready." reminds me of a blog post by a friend of mine yang cerita how she knows it is wajib untuk pakai tudung, but she just doesn't feel ready. I can feel the sincere pengharapan bila baca tu.. gitulah.


The friends that I met and made in my university life are the ones that made me realise jangan duk canang teori je if you haven't been through the practical phase. Plus, reminders can come from just anyone. Or anything. 



A few years back, I shared this with a friend who is also my junior back in my school,
never underestimate the power of 'dakwah bilhal' dan the power of 'du'aa' grin emoticon... ntahlah. akak nak ckp mcm mn pun xtahu.. bila this ahkak2 keep saying "dekati mad'u pelbagai personaliti.." tp diorg sendiri bergaul sesama diorang je, akak rasa mcm nk ckp je "teori, teori teori, amalinya mana?"bila akak dalam situasi bergaul dgn macam2 jenis manusia, baru akak rasa "dihadapkan" dgn "so now tell me, syaza, what would you do?" "so what did you preach last time, syaza? this is the perfect time to practice it. are you doing it? is it really gonna work the same, every single time?" bagi akak, selagi kita tak experience sendiri this so called 'manusia pelbagai ragam' selagi kita duduk dlm kelompok kita, asyik berhujah teori saja, don't tell me what to do and what not to do. k.
just, what i would like to tell you is, to never ever, EVER , give up hope. to always pray for a friend to change. to always kenal dulu, sebelum pakai 'judging hat'.. Use your judging hat sparingly. always percaya semua orang mampu berubah. always look at the beautiful side of everything. always.and always remember hadith logam.

Tapi tulah. It is always the question of what is right, and what is wrong. Always. 
Asma, another dear friend too, masa bersembang dengan beliau, masa datang beraya dulu, asked,
"Akak rasa?" when I said "Akak taktahulah. Kadang-kadang akak tertanya-tanya, are we going backwards while our friends move forward?" (Seorang Asma dah 'Chocolate Token'nya)

And I said. "Tak tahulah Asma. Akak rasa, for now, apa akak boleh cakap is, continue to spread goodness, however it is. Buatlah macam mana cara pun, if it benefits, insyaAllah, insyaAllah we're doing the right thing."

And one of my bestfriends used to say this when I tell her I doubt my way of thinking,
"At the end of the day, no one is able to tell you what is truly right and what is truly wrong. You have done your part and you saw it worked. And you saw how other's way worked too. It is okay to have different thoughts and approaches. No worries." 

Kebanyakan kita rasa hipokrit, dan berhenti berusaha jadi Muslim yang baik. Semua sebab penglipur lara, katanya "Muslim harus sempurna."Katanya, "Untuk lulus ujian Muslim sejati, harus tidak berbuat dosa dan capai 100% tahap iman. Kalau tidak, nah syurga cuma angan-angan."Katanya sang penglipur lara lagi, "Sahabat nabi sempurna percaya dengan risalah, semua serba semangat. Kau hilang semangat? Nah, kau sudah gagal.""Tak perlu usaha lagi, kau takkan berjaya. Syurga memang untuk orang yang baik dan kau mustahil. Tamat."
Katanya Sang Penglipur Lara, syaitan.
"...people all over the world actually give up trying to be better Muslims because they fall short of their own expectations for how effortless and impeccable their Islam should be. They try hard to implement Islam- they go through the motions even when their hearts aren't in it, and because they find themselves being pulled in two directions, they assume they're doing something hypocritical or wrong and they stop altogether."
(The Myth of the Naturally Good Muslim)






May 2014 lepas, kak MK (Maryam Kirana. Cool kan nama dia. Macam nama novel. Nickname pun cool. M.K. ahaha k bai) (one of the Champaks) sent me a voice note,
"Kita semua adalah hamba yg kononnya mahu pulang mencari cinta dan kasih Pencipta selagi terdaya. Aku harap aku tak menipu, bila bilang aku paling mahu." MA..


Allah. Pandulah hati ni selalu. Moga dihalakan, yang baik-baik saja.

Flying and falling

Thursday, October 1, 2015



been flying high.
but learnt how to land softly.
safely landed.
so yeah.

hew kemain banyak benda nak cerita, semua dalam drafts, yg tu tak post .. pi post benda gini.

pastu terpost dekat blog BADAR. ahahhahaha. i died-ed. i can only hope people will pandang sipi je. ahhahah clumsy clumsy

See you again.

Monday, June 1, 2015

IG: June 4, 2015.
Baring atas air, biar dihanyut segala resah. 

--
"One way at a time, I'll try to lend these broken hands of mine."

Promises made to self,
to always give you a piggyback ride when your feet are tired to walk down, and up this road we're taking.
to make sure we'll make it to the finish line together and enjoy the victory to be stories told and reminisced down the memory lane soon.
to make sure you don't feel worn out,
to make sure I will be there to catch when you stumble.
well at least, while I'm still here, while I'm still around you.

Guess sometimes you really just have to sacrifice your vista to not block others from enjoying it as well. They have their views too. Guess I didn't realise how suffocating I'm being to people around me.

I'm taking the one less travelled, alone this time,
I guess it's time to meet new souls along the way and I should believe things will be fine.
I believe in you and you should always too.

I guess the promises end, now. Sooner than I thought.
Go fly, and spread your wings.
Flap gracefully,
Sore high, and fly.

I know I won't always be there to support and get your back pronto, the time will come where we'll go our separate ways. Hence the promises are at least I thought to be fulfilled while I'm here.

Tahu, ada masanya nanti I'll disappear, either selama-lamanya or masing-masing dah dalam dunia sendiri, with our own little family ke apa. I guess I should know you're ready for this. I believe you are.

I'll be there still, begini atau begitu. Essence-nya saya masih di sini.

To those souls I have been treasuring, to those beautiful hearts, thank you.

If you ever feel like giving up, don't.
Remember how you often feel like you can't make it but you'll always end up glorious, anyway?
Remember when people thought you won't make it but Allah sent angels from above and ease everything making the impossible, possible?

To those souls I have hurt, to those hearts I have messed with, sorry.

Help me by remembering only the good, if there is any.
Forget all the bad, I know there are so many.

Be well, ya?
Be eased.
Be loved.

See you when I see you.


*blog post versi habis semester nak balik rumah*

--
UPDATE 2017: A draft I kept since 2015.

Penang Heritage Evaluation hahah

Tuesday, March 10, 2015

(I wrote WHAT I SENT TO MY LECTURERS FOR SELF-EVALUATION in this blog as a draft using my phone, sebab senang nak copy paste ke pc nnt. hahah, only published today (2017))

HERITAGE AND CONTEMPORARY STUDIES (SELF-EVALUATION)
Pre-trip
I was the head secretary, assisted by three other, Alisya, Nabilah and Aaminah. Main thing done was basically everything needed to be prepared before the trip and for future projection on site.
I’ve prepared all of the booking letters and inform letters to sites for other bureaus to take action later on. The Programme Coordinators worked together to prepare the itinerary at the sites. Transportation, Safety and Welfare, Prep Tech team did a great job in securing the bus, first aid, and technical items booking. They were very fast and efficient and always keep me updated. Multimedia and Pub Pro too in the design of the t-shirt and banners and Special Task in managing the LIDV status, the checklist of items to be brought and what not.

Aaminah helped me a lot throughout preparing each and every proposal after every change. Full proposals comprise of all countries that are Chandigarh, Osaka, Jepara, Semarang, Medan, Ho Chi Minh City and Penang Island. We contacted friends and family from those mentioned sites. When Penang was confirmed, Aaminah and I fine-tuned the proposal until it was finally approved. Alisya and Nabilah were the ones handling the public relation aspects. While Aaminah and I confirmed the suitable places we could go for our visit, they were the ones calling the sites for confirmation and permission as well as making reservations where needed.

I had to keep in touch with everyone as everything else involves the proposal. Since the budget is a crucial aspect in the determining a certain destination and visiting places, the treasurer, Nada, was highly participative in the preparation as well.

Sales had been doing excellently in the Nasi Lemak Project during Convest ’13, the Broga trip, the Button Badge Project and participation in art festivals to sell our items, to name a few. The establishment of Facebook and Instagram pages of ‘Project Artsigno’ is a success.

Sponsorship, however, could not go far since the proposals were constantly being rejected and no one dared enough to continue with the request without proper confirmation letter from the dean. However, we later then found out other departments requested sponsorships without waiting for their proposals to be approved and just used their PM signature and it was enough.

Food and Catering took some of us to buy food, mineral water and snacks as they needed advice from secretary and treasurer.
Meeting minutes were done by me and Aaminah.

On trip
It was a fairly stressful week for the secretaries due to last-minute change of plans. We didn’t even switch the TV on if I were to mention. Reservations had been made, we’ve already dealt with other people and others simply asked to shift the schedule just to suit their preferences. This is other people’s time we’re dealing with. It was months prior to visit and any one night change of the whole scheduling is deemed selfish and inconsiderate. Even the laundry being made into a hassle in the morning itinerary was a disaster. It results in people at the camera museum had to wait for some of us settling the laundry and even to the extent of we had to take public transport for a prompt meet up with Penang State Museum manager, En Mahdi to get technical drawings.

Food and Catering team was quick. I advised them the budget as pronounced by Nada and they managed to secure not only affordable but a good caterer who was very punctual and was so nice to attend to our never ending requests of change due to certain people not fancying the food prepared.  
Meeting minutes were done by Nabilah.

As for the ID jobscope, I was in the site inventory team and ceiling team with Hafiz, Dyg., Adlyn and Haneesah. We did measurements and quick sketches for all of the sites went. I hope the lecturers could participate more in the data finding and not simply urge us to do everything quickly and go all fussy about being stuck in the traffic jam or whine of not having anything to do and go all tired waiting.  If the lecturers don’t feel like participating, we could use a help of their patience not to rush everything. 

Yes we’ve looked at the buildings on the internet earlier and chose which section to work with, but it’s a different thing once we’re there. Any changes on the building are not to be taken lightly. Even more, each majoring had a different job scope. We needed more time to observe, feel and do our prescribed job. I believe our rooms could wait.
Documentation of data collected was under Lis, the head of ID majoring.

Post-trip
There was a swap in the organization chart. All heads except for the treasurer, swap their position with their assistants. I became Alisya’s assistant. Aaminah and Nabilah were dragged as the Public Relation team together with Haryati.  

The first thing asked to be done was the Table of Content. Alisya being the head, took the responsibility for the task. We were almost done with the report write up in APA format when suddenly there was a change of layout. We were insisted to come up with a book template, and I was the one being told to do so, later on being in-charge of the publication of our write up being the head editor. Nada, Nabilah and Ikhwan did a lot in managing the format having a hard time to cater to and edit everyone’s submission. Aaminah and Aqilah too, being the ones checking the content and grammar-wise of the content.

I was at the same time in the concept team. The first two months we were trying to configure a few concepts and layout. Then came the big amount of posters of which we were scared of how all mixed up every poster would look like when put side by side. This is where the concept team then diverged into another team of Aaminah, Hafiz and I doing the combined poster composition. 

It was an uphill task when some of the contents of the posters were not even thoroughly checked especially on the plagiarism and grammar. We had to read, summarise and edit the whole thing to ensure the contents can be read as smooth as possible.

Been busy with the poster combination, all three of us too were in other team. We were in model making team and props team for the exhibition. We managed to get some parts of the technical drawing of Masjid Kapitan Kling modelled in sketchup, cleaned in AutoCAD and accompanied Syima for laser cutting. Model making

As for the book. It is fair to say that this is one of the much unprepared task for the students. If we were originally expected to publish a book, a decent publication house should already been determined before we even started with the layout and all. At the end of the day it turns out we are not publishing books for everyone to keep, but only printing a single copy of the book. Sad. This book involves a lot of sweat, money and tears, I suppose. Beyond words. Only those few people involved and worked their best in this understand how hard it was.

Everyone had their part and struggle. Alhamdulillah ‘ala kulli hal. Everything, almost everything is all done. Thank you.

Syaza


Tak tahu nak kena buat apa.

Thursday, February 19, 2015

dah tak tahu apa boleh cakap apa tak boleh.



dah tak tahu apa boleh luah apa kena telan.

dah tak tahu apa perlu suara, apa patut simpan.

dah tak tahu nak buat apa.

dah tak tahu nak rasa apa.

dah . hilang.


Rant.

Monday, January 12, 2015

Rant.

Kadang-kadang benda yang akan buat kita rasa tertekan lepas sesi tutorial, is that time bila kita bentang idea and the lecturer starts to question the practicality of our design, how is it gonna work, is it a common practice in Malaysian built environment, is it OKU-friendly?

Dengan masa lebih kurang dua bulan je untuk satu projek, dengan subjek lain yang mengejarnya, kita selalu akan fikir,
"Huk aloh. Biarlah. Kerja aku design. Macam mana nak execute tu boleh fikir kemudian. Tak boleh nak explore-lah kalau asyik fikir teknikal."

But then, being realistic, this thing *is* the framework of life. It *does* involve the whole community, bukan boleh syok sendiri. You'll be facing the real world. You must be aware of the real constraints - money, material, authority, etc.

These two - exploration phase of designing and recognition of the restraints are both equally important, I believe.
 "...architecture is understood to be about movement and use of space, not just transparency of material. "


Selingan: IG: SEPTEMBER 24, 2014.

Igtkot kayu. Rupanya rubber flooring. Pft. Looks deceive, no?

Byk benda menarik jd harini, cerita ceriti, dating dgn Aa. 
Sukahati masuk 2-3 hotel buat mcm ad book bilik turun naik lif dia tgk material apa dia pakai ketuk sana sini utk esemen. Fiuh. 

---
We trust, we believe. Moga yang baik2 aja.

--

 In the end, selalunya kita akan resort to either

1) Do more research on the technical, construction-wise, or,
2) Opt for the, what people call, 'safe design'

First option takes a longer time, no doubt, (unless you already have an archive of successful design construction in your head) but, you'll be a lot more confident to justify what you plan to do.
It'll be a lot easier to design and defend, when you know more, when you read more.
When you belief in your own design.
This, however deals with our time management.
Nak juggle design satu hal, dengan benda lain keliling pinggang dan masa yang terhad untuk satu-satu projek, satu hal lain.

And unfortunately when we fail to grab the essence of our design concept (without forgetting the purpose it is to serve), we hence give up and opt for the second one, Often, tak ada soul.

Our original aim may be achieved within the stipulated time, but we may then realise we haven't done our creative potential justice. And comes the regret.
Or we may have designed it the way we like it, but it's only for aesthetic purpose, it can even be a pain in the back part for a group of, say, people with disability, that we neglected during our design process.

---

Ni sebenarnya nak cakap:

The same thing with our life.

1. Being individuals, it's (very) okay to have our own identity, our own preference.
It's okay to explore. But it's always best to know our purpose.
It's good if we know what is allowed and what is not,
so that what we've been living would not fall in vain.

2. Proclaiming ourselves as a 'dai'e', when it comes to enjoining what is good and forbidding what is bad, it's always best to read up more on our audience - their life stories and the challenges.
"Connect, and correct." 
Or else, it'll become "Safe dakwah" - Only reaching those who already have a basic understanding of this religion, who only need to be reminded of something they already know every now and then.
It's obviously not wrong, but certainly there's still something missing.

Note to self, and those reading.

Vokal. Semester 1, Tahun 3.

Friday, January 9, 2015

Assalamualaikum .
Gonna be a long post. Very long. Definitely.

Vokal
Heritej en Kentemperreri
Kalau perasan, I've been talking about this Heritage and Contemporary Studies dari, first year lagi. 
Dah masuk third year, first semester ni sebenarnya, baru lah subjek ni didaftarkan secara official dekat slip masing-masing. 
Tapi ya Allahhhh subjek yang satu ni, credit hournya 3, contact hournya kalau atas kertas hitam putih tulis 3 jam juga, tapi sebenarnya 3 tahun! and counting!


Concept team in the making. Planning of the Exhibition layout.

Somehow I think this Heritage thing is making the monster out of me.
More like reliving revealing the demon inside. 

Banyak termarah orang, 
Banyak tertinggi suara. 
Banyak mengeluhh. . sadly.

Mula-mula, tahan dulu. Tapi jadi ceritanya dah kalau sampai balah dengan lecturer tiap kali kelas macam jadi benda wajib semester ni..... *tapisapejetaknaikanginmasakelastu.* aherher. 

Asalnya these emotional changes, affected just the course dan manusia-manusia yang terlibat, tapi makin lama terbawa-bawa ke urusan lain. 

I realise I'm getting vocal lately, makin berani lepas je. Takde tahan-tahan dah. That, I am aware of. 
Plus pointnya dalam bidang design, you're able to defend your design. Minus point nya, oh well. You could guess. Yang veteran confirm-confirm akan cop biadapnya la hai budak-budak sekarang.
"Kamu jangan nak defensive sangat. Dengar dulu cakap saya. Saya dah banyak tulis report-report ni, kitorang buat PHD bukan sebulan dua. yadda yadda."
k.

Not Saying Yes Immediately.
Kalau sebelum ni asyik terjepit dengan masalah tak boleh kata "tak nak", asyik jadi 'yes man', kali ni kadang-kadang tu sampai completely the opposite - payah benar nak cakap "ye, ok, boleh, xde masalah". ada je soalannya. 

Masa a studiomate of mine was asking if I could be her proposer, sebab dia nk bertanding dalam pilihanraya kampus, it took me a while to say "Yeah, sure."

I even asked her to brief us her manifesto first, before I sign the paper. I wanna be convinced. Kalau ikutkan senang je situasinya, kawan mintak tolong support dia nak jadi wakil kuliyyah, just take the pen and ink your signature down je lah. Bukannya tak kenal dia siapa pun. But no, I didn't do that, sesegeranya.

Eventually I was not satisfied. I, and a couple of others, actually asked her, "Betul akak nak bertanding? Atau disuruh?" Hew. Dan ya, beliau akui memang ada peratusan she was 'selected' by a group of people to represent them in the election. 

"Akak, benda ni benda besar tau. Ni Amanah. Kalau Syaza sign ni maknanya Syaza percaya dengan akak. Tapi honestly, Syaza belum dapat rasa lagi yang akak memang nk represent us, bebudak KAED ni."
 Muka beliau masa tu dah sebek, merobek jiwa ambe yang kekonon keras membatu tapi basah berlumut ni. Isk. I hate myself. Baru nak acah-acah garang. Hahaha.
"Tapi, Syaza sign jugak ni, as a support from a friend, untuk kawan dia yang ada potensi untuk asah skill dalam politik, untuk asah soft skill dia. For experience. But promise me, promise us, you'd do this betul-betul sebab nak buat. Get comfortable with the manifesto, make it betul2 from your heart. Tau?"

So yeah sebenarnya last-last saya sign juga. Hahah. So much for a stern Syaza.
But sadly things happened and this friend of mine and a few others tak dapat bertanding. Politik. UIA.

Anyway. 


Stood Up.
And and, masa betul-betul tak nak mengalah masa berurusan dengan mahallah office.
Kisahnya terlupa drop kunci bilik, so I posted it from Penang. And called MO to make sure they received the key. Masuk semester, cek saman, tak ada. Lega. About 3-4 months later, nak kena setelkan saman, *oh sebab proposer or seconder tak boleh ada saman. haha, tahu2 ada satu saman tak selesai lagi.

"FAILURE TO RETURN ROOM KEY"
semester 3, year two.
ohoooi  bila masaaaaaaa. no way im paying another RM50 for a key yang sekeping tu. noooo way. I thought dah clear dah benda ni. So I went to the office and bertegas cakap I've mailed it and have confirmed it with one of the Mahallah Officers through the phone, even checked the compound before this semester started the other day. 
but no, the lady went,
"Failure to return tak semestinya tak pulangkan... Kamu hantar lambat pun jadi failure." dengan muka takde perasaannya. I was so so sure memang hantar sebelum tarikh paling lewat pulang kunci. 

Then I asked her, could she please call the lady who said everything was okay.. Katanya beliau tak ada, boleh jadi balik lambat lagi. 5.30 macam tu. Masa tu pukul 4.30. Lepas tu bising lagi,

"Yang kamu call tu dia kena manage semua benda. Mungkin dia tak bagitahu kitorang. Kitorang yang uruskan key in denda-denda ni."
And yeah I said this to her,
"Tak bolehlah macam tu. Tak communicate lah maknanya." Marah . sikit. 
Muka dia dah berubah. Ok macam dah selalu sangat buat orang sentap sampai nampak muka berubah. Hoh. Jahatnya hamba. T.T
So beliau pun ameklah buku log saman-saman pelajar. Asked me to read the compound number.

Guess what? It was not mine. Dia salah key in. Waiiiived. Alhamdulillah. 

Ceritalah situasi ni to two of my dear friends, one of them went,
"Hang kenapa eh?"
"Kenapa?"
"Dulu hang tak macam ni. Dulu hang diam je."

Ouch. That, to be honest, hurt me. A little. At that moment. At that point.
To think sampai beliau tegur macam tu, 'Oh no, what have I done this time?' 'Was it wrong?'
I should really just keep my mouth shut, huh? Memang patut telan je semua benda nanti dah tua boleh cerita kat cucu-cicit, nenek ni baik, penyabar, lemah lembut orangnya. Nenek tak kisah kena pijak. Biar kita kena pijak asalkan hati kita tetap merah delima. Gittu.

Teringat one of my FB status updates last Feb,
'Kerana masih punya adab, kerana sedar anak timur, kadang-kadang rasa marah, sedih atau kecewa, fikirnya baik ajalah terus terpendam, biar akhirnya sekadar jadi pengalaman si nenda yang setia bercerita.'

Kadang-kadang rasa nak masking tape mulut. Cause boy this tongue is a sword. 

Then that other friend said,
"Perlu, Caje.. Kadang-kadang benda ni perlu. Kalau tak, jadi kes aniaya."

Thank you.
Being adabful doesn't equate to being quiet, yes?
No? Okay.

Moga Allah pandu hati, jiwa dan lidah ni untuk cakap yang perlu, untuk cakap yang baik-baik saja.

***
Permulaan Tahun Tiga

Setiap Sem - 'Rasa nak give up.'
Cerita pasal semester ni, ya Allah penatnya berganda-ganda. Lecturers keep saying
"Kita dah nak lepas u all for practical ni."
"You are already third level,  should be mature enough for the design field."
so workload takyah ckp, mmg gaya dah macam zombie tunggang terbalik trying to juggle everything.

Macam tak percaya we made it pun ada. Banyak kali rasa nak give up, seriously. Serious cakap.
Ok macam tiap2 sem cakap gini. Tapi setiap sem tu, level rasa nak give up to directly proportional to the level of study. Haha.


Tapi memang macam tu agaknya. Momen nak putus asa, masa tu memang kita nampak semuanya mustahil. Tapi kita takkan tahu kita boleh sebenarnya, until we walked through it, until we ran pass it. Masa tu lah rasa 'Hek eleh. Kemain je haritu rasa give up tak boleh teruskan dah. Boleh je sebenarnya.'

I wasn't doing my very best rasanya, personally, sebab rasa mampu buat lebih lagi but I didnt. For some reasons.

Overboard Trying?
Oh. There was this one time, a dear dear friend, sitting one cubicle away from me, sent a photo through whatsapp, of me and the one next to me, nampak sangat focus menghadap komputer, buat kerja.
Caption, "Presenting, sumber stress abadi."

Haip. Terdiam. Terus, decided to take five, turun bawah to the ground level, pergi vending machine sorang-sorang tetengah pagi buta tu. Duduk sesorang dekat compound yang sunyi sepi tu, boleh kata tengah sesi muhasabah lah. Leuls.

Kita tengah cuba untuk taknak putus asa. Tengah cuba untuk nampak kuat untuk diri sendiri, untuk orang lain. Tapi mungkin it went far ahead. Tak perasan perbuatan kita tahu tahu sebenarnya melelahkan orang. Sedihlah jugak masa tu. Masa tu lah. Come to think of it, I need a break jugak myself.

Tapi teringat Brother Ariff, my lecturer for the past year.
"Caje, kita lacking of competition lah in here. It's always the same people yang ada dekat atas. You ada ability to go further, you gerak je, jangan tunggu. Biar ada orang rasa tercabar nak kejar you."
"Taktahulah, brother. Saya taksuka bila saya terlaju sikit people would go "Tudiaa tudia.." "Dah-dahlah tu... ""
"Let them be. Biarlah ada healthy competition among you guys."
"I don't know, brother."
"You laju, it's their responsibility to kejar. Jangan biar they drag you pulak untuk slow."

tak pernah berniatpun buat orang lain rasa perlu kejar, lebih-lebih lagi buat diri sendiri rasa perlu mengejar. I just do what I wanna do. Ada betul apa brother cakap, but mungkin ye lah, I don't fancy competing with anyone. I just hope everyone makes it, we all make it, dengan bahagia. No hard feelings,  no heart feeling.

-
Anyhow, selalu rasa, kalau orang sekeliling tengah down, apa sebenarnya patut kita buat? Lagak kuat untuk bagi semangat, atau embrace the sadness and be sad too, untuk raikan perasaan dia masa tu?
Kalau kuatkan diri dan bagi support, some people find it very annoying, to be comforted with words of advice masa tengah sedih, I know, I feel as such too at times. Tapi Aina pernah ckp if it was her, takpe, cakap je apa2 dlu, dia akan fikir balik once dia dh calm down. 
Kalau be sad too, takut dragged and things get worse.
:/

Sometimes, I choose to just rant an honest opinion, cakap je apa dlm hati, tolong sama-sama timbangkan baik buruk benda yg berlaku.. some other time, I'd choose to stay silent, tembak doa dan harapan, and let time heal.

Almost Falling Away.
Ada masa-masa saya sendiri betul-betul on the edge of breaking down, yang buat saya baca dan ingat balik apa yang sendiri tulis/ckp dekat orang lain.

Contoh, untuk final project subjek Custom Cabinet and Furniture Design haritu.

Kena design dan buat 1:1 scale punya prototype of a furniture. I actually looked forward to learning this subject since CFS lagi. One of the very reasons I took Interior pun sbb tgk subjek ni bawah subjek wajib ID, bkn IDE. Walaupun rupanya IDE nanti ada projek buat furniture jugak. Hey, I didnt know that. K .

So I actually spent some time designing, with the end result in mind, to be exactly as I imagined. Tapi 'masa' tu sangat limited to focus on it semata2, dengan Heritagenya, dengan Lightingnya, dengan Studionya lagi-lagi, I scheduled myself to go to the workshop selang seminggu or dua minggu, potonglah bahagian2 kayu yg perlu sikit demi sikit. Potong perspek 80cm dalam ngantuk2 pun, gagahkan diri.

Because I know my design is complicated, nak tak nak, larat ke tak, I had to gerak sikit-sikit. Last minute memang tak jadi apa.
Selesai potong semua part, tgl nak assemble je so tak usik dah. baru rasa boleh tarik nafas sikit, boleh letak tepi jap and prepare for portfolio day nntnya.

End of Portfolio Day marks the end of studio work. :D

Dijadikan cerita, lagi 3 hari nak submit, dengan satu hari tu cuti Krismas which means workshop tutup, I had to face a bitter truth; some of the parts went missing. IMPORTANT PARTS pulak tu.
Dengan working drawingnya tak ada lagi, dengan bbrp jam to submission, rasa... numb.
Igtkot dah habis safe dah buat sikit-sikit, sekali bam! Allah tarik gitu je through tah sape-sape yang rembat atau terrembat..

Tenung kayu-kayu yg tinggal tu. Fikir, mungkin sempat kalau nak potong balik kayu-kayu yang hilang. Tapi dah lemau. Baru habis portfolio day. Plus, ramai orang dkt workshop. Tambah yang tak potong apa lagi, I should give in bg dorg guna dlu.

Tenung lagi.
Taufiq, he's a senior, who has been provoking me utk cepat2 siapkan meja tu sejak hari first potong kayu, was there and said,

"Tukar design lah, Syaza, apa lagi."

Masa tu dengan stress Heritage gi buat kelas ganti time study week, every freaking day nya, mmg takbolehlah nak fikir. Bila masanya nak perah otak. Luckily enough he offered to help think of a new solution, based on what I had left. Teringat dia pernah cakap, "Aku hidup ni, satu je, aku nak menyenangkan orang." God bless you, young man.
Satisfied with the new design and justification, but was still very sad,
I decided to take a nap dalam stor, em, surau sisters.

By the way Hafiz, pernah marah bila cakap I would resort to sleeping every time encountered design or creative block and xtau nak buat mcm mana..
"That is not solving anything!!"

Hew. Nak buek camno.

But before tidur tu, bukak balik a few conversations I had with some friends. Conversation of a Syaza giving semangat to others and her future self yg mungkin akan down nanti. Of which futurenya tu dah mai dah.. And sobbed myself to sleep.

"A believer is one who believes everything that has happened, is happening and will happen, is all for the good and tailored just for him."
"Tak dapat tak, kita kena put our utmost trust in the One yang tahu our past, present and future."

"Allah gives nothing but the best, yes?"
"Be sad, but don't drag. Kita dah usaha sedaya kita."

'I said those to my friends. I shall say that to myself now... Now now Syaza, tarik nafas, tidur dulu.'

Bangun tu, terus gagahkan diri start assemble. "Be sad, but don't drag"... mantra.

Tak cerita lagi dengan berapa kali letak gam kayu n wood filler but asyik terlanggar masa belum kukuh, and bam semuanya pecah, kena fill lagi skali. Asalnya nak balik mandi Zohor tu, but terpecah, so plan nk balik Asar. Terlanggar lagi, terpaksa duduk balik sampailah Maghrib. Then dtg balik after Isya' sambung letak finishing.

Alhamdulillah 'ala kulli hal, managed to finish on time, walaupun the finishing touch honestly suck sbb nak cepat. If only I could really focus on the making, buat betul2, putty, sand, sand, sand, spray n what not, but pft. Ain't nobody got time for that.

Dah submit tu, tgl satu je lagi. Interior Design - Materials and Technology 2.
Final assigment untuk duduk menghadap the depressing black screen of AutoCAD sebelum balik bercuti.

Paling mudah nak tegur diri sendiri, motivate diri dgn cara tengok kawan-kawan yang sangat kuat semangatnya. Macam kakhawa. Atau kakpijohs.

Terima kasih jugak, untuk teman-teman, adik-adik yang mengharukan jiwa ni dengan kata-kata dorg. Sampai mengalir air mata terharu on the spot. This is a very rare scene for a Syaza tau dak.  

***
Energy.
Mak Abah dtg kl, mcm biasalah kenduri anak kekawan ... free dinner dkt restoran kawan mak yg dah 30 tahun x jumpa. hewhew
Awal sem MakAbah dah datang dah, sekali dengan Apiq and Adik for the award-giving ceremony. 
Energy recharged. 

***
Rolling down the lane.
Haritu Aa tanya sem bila beliau  dapat lesen. Told her boleh cek conversation dkt wassep. I still keep it and I remember sending her memes of her being able to drive a car. Scrolled sampai mula2 sembang n Aa terjerumus nak baca balik.... sampai tak sedar disapa seekor anjing hohoh.

Had a good time laughing n explaining itu ini ckp pasal apa.

"So ni lah yang Caje duk buat selalu?" Aa tanya. Senyum je.
Revisiting the memory lane, again and again. Mcm ritual kot.

"I was like this dlu..? Hantaq benda mengarut2... La ni asyik hantaq mesej kt Caje, "Caje, malasnyaaaa.""

:)

***
Konversasi.
Ah, I've encountered a lot of interesting conversations this semester. Told you I have interesting friends around. Tahu2 je nanti adalah tu something that you said jadi dialog dalam cerpen baru. Eh? *kekening*

InsyaAllah, moga apa yang terkongsi ni, ada manfaatnya.

---
No way back? Detour.
Banyak cakap sungguh kawan saya yang seorang ni. Tapi semua yang dia ckp menarik, only that I had a lot of work, banyak mendengar je, sampailah ada sekali tu,

"Aku kalau boleh nak orang rumah aku jadi cikgu sekolah, aku jadi lecturer. Kau tahu tak dua phase ni lah yang paling penting dalam hidup kita...?"
"Betul." Tangan masih genggam mouse, menghadap sketchup project 2, Bus Terminal. Klik. Klik.
Beliau sambung, "Masa nilah kau nak kena kenal dunia, nak kena pilih jalan hidup. Kalau kau dah tersalah jalan, habislah, mana boleh patah balik."

Terhenti.

"Ada pulak.. Kenapa cakap tak boleh patah balik? Never lose hope." Berhenti buat kerja. Take five. Sandar and jadilah komunikasi dua hala. Ni soal harapan, soal jangan putus asa dengan orang.
"Eh aku cakap betul ni. Katakan kau dah salah pilih jalan, kau dah jalan jauh, memang tak lah nak patah balik.."
"Tak semestinya kena patah balik kan? Mungkin ada jumpa jalan lain on the way tu. Even kalau kita nak patah balik n took that other road untraveled pun, apa salahnya, biarlah. Our journey may be lambat sikit, tapi its our own individual journey. We're not in a race pun kan?"
"Betullah tu. Aku teringat kawan aku dekat sekolah dulu. Akulah yang banyak bg support dekat dia sebenarnya. Baru-baru ni aku jumpa dia, kau tahu tak satu benda aku takboleh nak terima, dia bagi aku kad! Kad kahwin! Pastu sekarang dia kerja dekat bank. Aku yang yadda yadda...."

Haha. Menarik. :) sambung buat kerja, sambil dengar celoteh yang seorang ni. Oh this friend of mine said I look like his mother. Leuls. Sbb tu I guess he finds it easy to talk to me psl random stuff, even pasal harga minyak motor -.- walaupun baru kenal. Aa ckp mgkin jugak sebab I really listen. Orang memang appreciate kalau kita dengar. So yeah. I made a new friend in the studio, akhirnya muka baru setelah lebih dua tahun menghadap muka yang sama. hahaha.

---
"Ish sakit mata lah aku tengok orang pakai ketat-ketat. Macam baju tu dah ketat, tarik lagi jadi double ketat."
Tiba-tiba. Terdiam. This is said to me, by the same species but of different gender. Malu lah.
"Janganlah tengok..."
"Macam mana ko expect aku tak tengok kalau jalan depan aku? Ko tegurlah."
Loading.
"Tak retilah, to be honest."
"Alah ko bawak lah dia jalan-jalan, shopping sekali, pastu ko bagitau dia."
"Ntahlah kadang-kadang benda ni, tak senang macam kita cakap. Buat je semua tu, make friends, but belum berani lagi nak tegur direct gitu.. Macam mana eh nak cakap, benda yang kita faham, tak semua orang faham dengan mudahnya. Sebab upbringing kita lain. Tahu memang kena tegur. Tahu tu.. Tapi itulah." Shrugged. Kecewa dengan diri sendiri?

---
"Tu, meeting budak-budak competition. Ko tak join pulak?"
"Tak minat."
"Ye ke? Nampak gaya ko mcm je.."
"Takdelah. Tak competitive."
"Ahaha maknanya, kalau kau nak cari suami, kau cari yang senang dapat lah, takde rebut-rebut?"
-.-
But yeah. Mungkin.
---
Pimpin, atau dipimpin?
Me: Seriouslah akak mmg xnak langsung langsung langsung?
A: Ya Allah Caje. Macam tu ke nak jadi imam?
Me: Ntahlah. Macam mana nak cakap. I believe he looks at you as support for him to continue and be better.
B: Hang macam vertebrae dia tau dak, tulang belakang ni ha, tulangg ni untuk dia berdiri.
A: Boleh bayang tak perasaan orang tergila-gilakan kita, buat kita rasa insecure.
Me: Honestly lah, orang tak tergila-gilakan Syaza pun Syaza xpernah experience, inikan pulak perasaan ada orang nak sgt dkt Syaza. Hahah. Ok. Continue.
B: Tau dak, mak ambe cakap baik kita yang perempuan, kawen dengan org yang nak kat mu, drpd yg mu nak kat org. Tak mustahil untuk bosan lepas dah lama kahwin.
A: Tapi mestilah kita nak yang terbaik untuk diri kita.
Me: Hmm. Kalau sekarang, Syaza boleh cakap I agree utk settle down dgn org yg nakkan kita. Tapi, katakan one day jadi dkt Syaza, dgn Syaza yang suka question rationality sstu, boleh jadi nnt Syaza akan hesitant utk terima kalau Syaza sendiri langsung xde perasaan. Tapi for now, in your situation pulak, go for it je lah.
A: Tau tak dia yadda yadda yadda
Me: That's because he really wants youuu. Tapi ye lah. Betullah tu apa akk ckap, kita perempuan ada hak untuk memilih sebaiknya.
Whatever is best lah for both of you. Tu je yang mampu harap sekarang ni.
B: Erti kata lain, dia sbnrnya nak hampa dua kahwin.
A: Ntahlah. Well ambe tak boleh cakap apa, kalau ada jodoh, adalah. Ambe pun tak boleh tolak. We'll see.
Me: Syaza percaya dia tengah prepares himself. He'll ask for your hands in marriage once again, bila dia dah ready. Even if it takes another 10-20 years.
C: Yup. Percaya benda tu boleh berlaku. Tengoklah.
A: Kalau masa tu dia dh jd someone better, dan ambe pun tak kawen lg, then mungkin, mungkin, ambe akan terima dia.  


Pehhhh. Drama tak drama kisah kawan ai sorang ni. Hahaah.
dah macam Elliot Yamin waiting for Taylor Swift coming back to December. ohohoho k bai
---
Coffee
Datang studio awal pagi. Ada Hakim je. Orang lain baru balik agaknya. Singgah kafe dlu, beli nasi goreng for breakfast. Hakim yang baru nak turun tanya,
"Syaza nak coffee? Hakim belikan."
"Tak naklah." Why would I. Kalau nak, dah beli dah, I just came from cafe lagipun.. Sambung buat kerja.
"Tak nak, coffee?" Tanya lagi, nada kecewa.
"Taknak, Hakim, thank you." Sambung buat kerja.
"Alah... nak lahh!!" burst.
Hahahah. Terkejut ambe. Kelakar ingat balik Hakim insisted suruh cakap "Nak"
"Ok, ok. Boleh lah. Berapa nak bayar?"
"My treat.." senyum lebar, seronok betul dia nak belanja orang pagi tu.

Serius kelakar ingat balik but I learnt something, jgnlah terus tolak kalau ada orang nak belanja. Kalau orang tengah nak belanja, it must be because of something  good just happened to them. So kalau kita menolak, macam dah jatuhkan sikit mood dia. Terima je, raikan their happiness. Nak-nak pulak awal-awal pagi, starting of a lonnng day. Ingat balik, if I was in a good mood, selalu je rasa nak belanja orang dan akan kecewa kalau org tu tolak terus mula-mula offer. What a reminder. Terbaik.
-
Oh, Hakim is one of my studiomates yang buat bisnes dalam studio. Dia jual maggie, air kotak, air mineral... and I have my own carton, bottles of mineral water utk kelangsungan hidup dekat studio. Haritu terletak kotak air dekat tempat dia selalu letak air untuk dijual.
When he came with new stock,
"Ni... Syaza punya...?"
"Oh. Ha ah." Diam. "Ehhhh jap jap Syaza alihkan. Syaza tak jual, tak jual, don't worry."
ahhahah. Get it?
Nvm.

---
The whole studio panas membara hari tu, Aina came up with this line,
"Takut nak cuba benda baru, nak sangat ikutkan skrip dunia!"
*claps*

***
OhSoFine Dine.
Untuk Project One, Fine Dining Restaurant, we had our case study at one of restoran fine dine dekat malaysia. takdelah fine dine sangat. but it was gila expensive so we shared one full meal untuk tiga orang. pft. roti jala 3 gulung RM25. It's not like we're there to taste their food pun, masuk sbb nak survey the interior je. Masa bayar bil, they gave us this. COINS. RM5 COINS. oh so fine. 
mcm insult pun ada. 
tp xpe, fine, fine, boleh guna buat duit laundry. 
But our site was breathtaking. Lawa kan?
Memang padanlah, kawasan korporat. 
Masa kitorang lunch dekat situ, the conversation I heard,
"Oh Dato'! Come and have a sit. Tan Sri is on his way here..." krik krik krik and we're just a bunch of school kids.


By the way I really like my outing with Aa haritu, pergi sekitar KLCC for Materials and Technology 2. Teringat our escapism to KLCC ms second sem first year dulu, yang alih-alih tido dekat Masjid asy-Syakirin. hahah.
And found out Aa's and Kak Syima's clients for Project 1 rupanya of a walking distance je from KLCC.

***
PTs
I managed to spend one whole day dengan Aliaa and Biela this semester. Aliaa and Hafi balik Malaysia sekejap. Biela yang Kulliyyah sebelah pun jarang beno jumpanya... memang kena bebel lahh dengan makcik2 ni.
"Hang tau dak Aliaa aku ni kalau nak jumpak Caje selalu unintended! Jumpak tepi jalan lelong lelong lagu tu!" aherher

Ada kisah jubah dan pashmina, dan video mengarut sent to Hafie sbagai making up masa beliau takde dengan kitorang. :)
Good time, good time.

"Dengan siapa lagi Aliaa boleh macam ni?" *Aliaa cries*

Keluar satu hari suntuk dengan manusia bertiga ni. lain hari lah tapi. 

"Jauh di mata, dekat di..."
"Telingaaaaaa!!!!" 

Biela, our YB was sooo soo busy asyik tengok phone, kena panggil meeting lah apa, Aliaa who was driving masa tu, went
"Just tell them I'm with someone who I haven't met for so long and we would only be meeting again in another FREAKING TWO YEARS, SO GO AWAYYY!"
hahah

We bought jubahs and pashmina of the same pattern but different colours, and I, being the one who never actually pakai shawl dkt u, di-challenge to wear full set one day and send them a photo.
"Caje since awak cakap tak kisahlah pakai tudung apa pun, it should be fineee isn't it, to see you wearing shawl??" *kekening*

***
Speak Up!
I reaaaally reaaaally like my Public Speaking and Contemporary Issues class. I reallyyy love the ambiance, the instructor, my classmates. Mostly bebudak Law amek kelas skill ni. So diorang semua very outspoken and spontaneous.

It was that one class I was always lazy to go but will definitely end up feeling very good about it once the class is over, like, the feeling you really gained something.

Seronok. My OFF-KAED moment.

Sebenarnya for our final assessment, ada Public Speaking tournament among best speakers untuk setiap section, and I was selected, alhamdulillah. Tapi tak mampu bahagi masa sebab masa tu memang betul2 tengah peak, betul2 tengah nak submit final project.
Walaupun call mak and mak cakap pergi je lah, mana tahu nnt dapat idea... tak semestinya kena duduk dalam studio. Kumpullah sikit kekuatan, "I can do this. I can still join the tournament and still finish my studio work."
But no. Sadly.. Terpaksa akur 'I'm not gonna make it,' terpaksa tarik diri last minute.
Walaupun sedaya usaha taknak pandang credit hour, and go for the sake of experience, tak boleh, 6 cred hour punya subject dengan point5 credit hour. .... Isk. Menyesal pun ada, tapi tak boleh main dengan kalau. ... so yeah. bukan rezeki.

Saya memang gemar bercakap kat depan, depan orang yang tak dikenali. Hence I really like the fact that dalam kelas tu tak de orang yang saya kenal. :)

by the way by the wayyyyy one achievement unlocked this semester.
For KAEDFEST '14, ada Student Talk on Built Environment. I was approached by the organiser to represent the Applied Arts and Design department. Mula-mula sangat reluctant nak accept the offer, dengan tutorial requirement banyak tak siap lagi, memanglah... tapi bila lagi? This is my chance untuk speak up what I have in my mind pasal the common misconceptions dalam bidang ni.

and audiencenya nanti mostly first year students, that what I was being informed. So, apa salahnya shift the definition paradigm awal-awal ni.

Tahu-tahu, hari talk tu they said there'll be design students from Taylor's College PLUS THE LECTURERS, ARCHITECTS AND DESIGN PRACTITIONERS sekitarnya. Apa cek nak merapu dah tak sempat nak revamp my audience study lagi berapa jam nak start talk.

Punyalah nak sorok dari kawan-kawan studio supaya diorang tak datang, minggu talk tu semua bertanya. Rupa-rupanya dah ditampal posters merata KAED with the names of the speakers on. -.-
Alhamdulillah, though, buat hari Jumaat. Hari Studio. Semua orang busy studio and no way dapat join the talk. Hihi.

Photo by KaedFest14 committee.

Kalau orang tanya how was it, I would say I hated it. Sebab I was being very informal and santai-santai where everyone else letak fakta gila-gila punya, research study and what not. Mesti those professors tengok cek macam, "Shallownya budak ni punya input." Ohohoh.

But hey, beberapa minggu lepas tu, pergi beli barang dekat kedai stationery UIA, WAQEC, the cashier tegur,
"Syaza kan?"
*Gulp* "Ye...saya....?" Do I know you, brother?
"Yang bagi talk hari tu?"
"Talk apa..eh.... ooohhhhh" terus tutup muka dengan buku sebab malu. Oh Lord.
"Common Misconceptions of Islamic Arts and Design kan?"
"Ha ah...." Ya Allah HE EVEN REMEMBERED MY TOPIC. Tak tahu nak rasa apa.
"Menarik. Yang lain saya tak berapa minat, tak berapa faham sangat."
Bila dia cakap macam tu, so I asked,
"Oh? First year ke?"
"Eh taklah . Fourth year."
Nak terjatuh rahang cek.. cover cover. "Ah.. Kos..?" Nak kata budak AAD jugak, tak pernah nampak pun. So he might be from other department.
"Psychology."

*jatuh rahang*

***
Last but not least, "I got a paper heart."

***
Banyak lagi. Sekianlah dulu. Till then.

:)

mendadak betei turun blog post tahun 2014.


tidak dikenali, lebih tenang.
lebih bahagia.
sekadar yang biasa.
marhaen.
 
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