ATTENTION : You will need to click on the title of each article to read the full post, yang mana rasa macam tergantung..

Dua tahun.

Wednesday, October 21, 2015

Boleh tak nak rindu momen-momen ni?

Dua tahun dah rupanya.

Tengok balik semua gambar, video.
Video-video unintended ter-rakam.
Video-video bloopers.

Pastu terngiang balik segala benda, time kita buat segala trial and error.
Dan segala benda yang menyusul kemudian-kemudiannya.


Apa-apa kerja berkumpulan, I cannot help but bandingkan dgn this one.

Terima kasih, semua. Setiap seorang made a mark on me.

Love well, live well.

Halakanlah yang baik-baik.

Sunday, October 4, 2015

[Jika cemerlang dakwah, maka orang sekeliling (terutama yang rapat) akan selesa dengan peribadi kita, kita akan menabur wangi pada agama] Teme.

"Menabur wangi, pada agama."
Rasa tanggungjawab.
That rings a bell.. oh yeah.
My own name. ---
Nur. Cahaya. 
Syaza. Keharuman. 
_diyanah. Agama.

Teringat how Adilla always likes to say my name but not in its actual form. (gedit gedit. alah. gedit lah)

"Assalamualaikum, Keharuman Deen!!"
"Waalaikumsalam wbt, Light of Justice!"


Had a em, an impromptu but healthy discussion with a couple of friends during our lunch break the other day lepas kelas LE4000 (English for Academic Writing). Pasal tolerance in Malaysia. Non-Muslims dengan Muslims, Muslims dengan Muslims sendiri.. Pasal individual tests and struggles..

 *friend 1 is a guy, friend 2 is a girl.

Ntahlah. Sesetengah orang overlah, duk takut nnt murtad lah, agama tu ada agenda lah agama ni ada konspirasilah apa lah. I don't know lah. Just, believe your belief is good, but don't belief other's is not good.. Toleratelah.

Friend 1:
Yes. Especially when it comes to clashes between you and your own family members... I personally do not favour ustaz yg jenis kalau 'tak buat ni, masuk neraka.' Neraka. Neraka. Neraka! And my mum brings that home!! "Ayah, kalau anak tak tutup aurat, masuk nerakaaa."  And masa kita pergi heritage haritu, site kita St Joseph's Novitiate tu pun she went crazy, ey jgn masuk gerejaaa. Ada jin jin dia apa semua. Luckily my dad was the more open one and tried to rationalise things for her. My parents are aging, I know .. and they are looking for this opportunity nak tambah ilmu-ilmu agama...
But somehow it disturbs me lah, this kind of approaches.. my parents would of course take everything seriously... They are willing to follow now.....
Ah I've been trying to hold this for so long and just anggap mcm a pinch of salt je, but tak boleh lahhh. For some people this kind CAN be a push....

..but for some other people, it is what pushes them away from religion...

Friend 1:

Friend 2:
Dulu, masa dekat CFS dlu, you know how everyone was so, how do i put it, pushy? Masa tu, even though there were so many reminders suruh tutup aurat, tak tutup aurat berdosa, semua tu.. I tak terasa pun nak pakai tudung. Outing je, I pakai jubah, keluar, terus bukak tudung. But when I come here and know you guys, when I look at how eh they are not being as judgemental as I thought they are going to be. And I slowly start pakai tudung here, but bila balik rumah I masih free hair.. Then baru I start pakai bila balik rumah.. It was a slow, gradual progress lah. The realisation came without feeling forced.. It feels nice lah.

Yelah, kita lg suka nak dengar 'buatlah ni, nnt msuk syurga'. Jgnlah asyik 'kalau tak buat ni, nnt masuk neraka' je.

 Friend 1:
Yes. Same implication, but different methods. Phewh thank you for the healthy discussion, im gonna have my lunch now.

Ahahah start pasal rainbow je pun tadi. Jadi such discussion...


I have been talking about this 'are we doing the right thing' among my, like what I said earlier, among those yg share this 'nasib'.. As in, yang somewhat di-tarbiyah-untuk-mentarbiyah-but-ha-sekarang-duk-tarbiyah-ke-tak-ni-sebenarnya gitulah. You know what I mean.
Jadi selesa bercerita bila they said they had a similar thought as mine.

A few months back, one of my high school friends posted an article in our batch group and asked for our opinions. I was afraid to give my opinion sebenarnya, takut I put it wrongly and people misunderstood and bam I am doomed. But I commented anyway. 

Personally rasa this article is a very good read, utk kita dpt sikit gambaran, utk kita try faham org lain yg ada background mcm penulis. Tapi kan, from another perspective, as kita yg ada background lain sikit, as in yg ada basic sekolah agamalah paling kurang pun, artikel mcm ni buat kita rasa mcm "Dah kalau semua benda ada rationalisation, tgl apa je kita boleh buat utk 'amar maruf nahi mungkar' sebenarnya?"


To be honest, lps kenal lg byk jenis manusia dr mcm2 background hidup, I learn to be more careful sebelum keluarkan apa-apa statement. Tak terus ckp hukum itu ini begitu begini. Anggap mcm, dlu kita tau teori je, hakikatnya apa2 teori yg kita faham dgn mudahnya, mgkin tak mudah bg dia nak hadam. Cara hidup org berbeza, cara fikir pun. Cara menerima pun berbeza so cara approach pun kenalah berbeza. Tak semua org mampu dilentur dgn darjah yg sama. Fikir, a high degree may bend steel in minutes, but the same temperature melts an ice cube in no time, or even let it disappear, gone. Yadda yadda. 

So end up, instead of tegur direct, I chose to guna cara tegur berkias. It took some time but it worked, alhamdulillah. So this way worked for some people, but it might not be for some others. I keep that in mind. 

Tp with most people in other situations, rasa mcm diri ni lebih byk berdiam diri. dan rs bersalah sbb diamkan je. Rs mcm tgh tak buat apa. Padahl tahu kena buat sstu, kena tegur sbnrnya. Pstu sll ckp kat diri sndiri "Selemah-lemah iman lah ni." "Takpe, dakwah bilhal." "takpe, slow-slow." "takpe, mana thu nnt dia jauh lg baik, semua org boleh berubah."
Tp kdg2 trfikir, ke ni semua alasan je, alasan sbb nk jaga hati kawan? Alasan sbb taknk nmpk mendesak?
... Maka begitulah. Ntahlah. Tp artikel ni is a good read still. A good read bkn utk topik ni je, boleh relate dgn bnd2 lain. Relate in term of when someone is doing things differently, they have their own reasons and it's good if we can stop buat semua benda ada jawapan hitam putih, ada pilihan ABCD je. But somehow bila baca ni, terngiang2 yg org ckp "tertutup jgn smpi jumud, terbuka jgn smpi hanyut."I guess everything is always good when done moderately? ...
Cuma nnt org akan tny, siapa yg tentukan cara dia yg terbaik, siapa yg ada hak ckp cara org lain tak berapa tepat? And who to judge how good is good and how bad is bad? Bila ckp gunalah AlQuran jd ukuran, there will always be a counter question yg akn ckp, then what about those yg still do good but do not believe in the rules as lined in the quran?

Annnnd others that commented said the article promotes secularism, liberal and stuff. Annnnd I have this feeling that if they look at how I think from my recent facebook posts on certain issues these days that I choose to give my say, they might feel like I'm being heh, liberal, acah-moderate too. Mkay. LGBTQShowcasing Good Deeds... 

Pernah dulu, "Akak rasa, perlu ke orang yang LGBTQ ni dibash? Perlu ke undang-undang main peranan? Ke biar and anggap itu urusan dia dengan Tuhan?"
At the end of the discussion, I added
"But my opinions may be different if I happen to have friends yang mengaku dorang gay or apa. Sekarang, ye lah akak cakap je, akak boleh cakap je apa akak rasa the best approach sebenarnya. Tapi.. taktahulah. Like how my opinions may not be the same towards org tak pakai tudung, if akak tak pernah ada kawan-kawan yang tak pakai tudung. Our opinions can be volatile. and they are shaped by our surroundings."

I am always afraid to start a discussion with my fellow BADAR committees, I had always been slightly different sebab I have had friends yang tak pakai tudung, and sgt seksi pun ada, even best friends pun.. dari zaman sekolah rendah. While they are amongst those yang memang dapat pendidikan agama dari keluarga, and kawan-kawan pun semua tahu basic agama, jaga solat, jaga aurat gitu lah ceritanya. 

And I came across this,
If Dajjal appears Moderate Muslims will be like: "I know it says kafir on his forehead, but you don't know what's in his heart."
Huhuhu. I felt like I don't know what to think anymore. 

I have a few juniors who came up to me and said things like,

"Kak Syaza. I wanna meet you so badly."
"Kak Caje, saya ada benda nak cerita."
Ada depan-depan, ada through text messages, fb inbox.. And turns out, they are experiencing almost, very, similar experience as I am. And lepas berjumpa, they said "Saya tahu saya boleh cerita dengan akak.. Akak lain.. Akak fahamm.." "It feels good to share with you."

And there are times where my friends said to me
"Masa hang cakap pasal jenis-jenis tudung tu, ambe tak pernah jumpa orang macam hang. Orang yang fikir macam hang. Hang orang pertama yg ambe jumpa masa tu.." or
"Syaza, akak rasa dulu akak pun jumud. Tapi lepas apa yang Syaza cakap, buat akak fikir balik.."
and ada yang sambil menangis cakap,
"Thank you for showing me that I can be myself while trying to be a better person. Thank you for not making me feel bad of myself. Thank you for not being like other people I have met before."

Alhamdulillah, I am glad they benefited. But instead of feeling flattered that they approve my way and tell me that it has made them a different person, I am actually a bit more worried in the sense that I thought,

"Eh. Betul ke apa aku cakap sebenarnya?"

Yelah. Bila beliau cakap "Dulu akak rasa akak jumud" ... what if what she thought as jumud tu, itulah the best approach.
"Aku tak fikir macam aku fikir dulu." ... Dulu. What ifff they had it dah betul dah tu dulu... tapi tetiba I shared with them those things I said which had caused them to shift their perspectives pulak.
Mungkin ye lah we were a bit harsh dulu tapi ye lah kan orang kata, "Memanglah pahit, tapi kebenaran memang selalu sakit. Berani kerana benar" stuff like that. What IFFFFF I'm inculcating a totally wronnng idea? What have I done to them, have I brought them away from the truth? HOOOOWWW.
Ha cemtulah dilemma.

Dan bila ada another group of kawan-kawan yang start, "berhijrah", they start posting all those dakwah materials. A part of me, loves seeing how they are happier now that they claim they have found the peace they have been searching for. Alhamdulillah. But another part of me actually has mixed feelings about it. And I feeel bad for feeling that.

Macam mana nak cakap.

I mean, all those stuff that they post are... somewhat.. familiar? I used to talk about those. I used to share those. But just.. not anymore? I have always been careful of what I used to share. Now I am being extra careful. And I am not even sure if it is the best thing to do. 

I am aware of my responsibility untuk tegur, tapi most of the time, I keep quiet. very often. Tak berani, tak terkeluar.

During our earlier years doing degree, one of my studiomates pakai seluar jeans koyak dekat lutut. It's a she. 
Masa tu tak berapa kenal orang, tak berapa rapat sgt dgn beliau, sekadar senyum and hey gitu je, tentu tentulah tak tahu macam mana nak tegur. And she sat next to me. I was doing my work and I decided to not say anything about her pants. Taknak akward pulak nanti. Dahlah baru fasa nak kenal-kenal... Pastu came one of my guy friends, terus cakap
"Woi kau ni tak de seluar yg sopan sikit ke?!" and this friend next to me went "Eh suka hati aku lah! kau kisah kenapa?"
And saya (ha serious masih taktahu nak bahasa diri apa dkt blog sendiri pft) still diam je kat tepi tu. This friend yang tegur, is not someone from my high school background pun, macam tegur, cakap main-main, happy happy, he might not be so serious about it anyway, but WEY SYAZA, AT LEAST DIA TEGUR OH, KO BUAT APA?? .... 
pstu datang another friend, also not from our so-called background bertarbiah, ckp, "Lain kali kau cakap je, aku nak nasihat kau ni... sebagai saudara seIslam... haa gitu." Pastu this guy pandang and gelak, "Haaa kemain pulak kalau aku ckp mcm tu. Tgk Syaza! Syaza diam je, takkan aku nak cakap macam tu kannn.." masa tu, walaupun nada dia gurau-gurau je, tapi bagi diri ni that statement was like, ya Allah sentaaaaaap sangat sangat sangat, tusuk tembus terus. Bilaalah nk berani tegur depan pun tak tahu.. Masa Lower Form, I used to be the one yg suka tegur direct, kekonon tgh ada semangat "nahi mungkar" lah gittu nak-nak pulak bru masuk sekolah agama kenn. leuls. but then I realised, things dont work the same on everyone.

By the way. The sister happens to be among those I am comfortable with now. 
"Aku nak jadi baik-baik, tapi aku tak ready." reminds me of a blog post by a friend of mine yang cerita how she knows it is wajib untuk pakai tudung, but she just doesn't feel ready. I can feel the sincere pengharapan bila baca tu.. gitulah.

The friends that I met and made in my university life are the ones that made me realise jangan duk canang teori je if you haven't been through the practical phase. Plus, reminders can come from just anyone. Or anything. 

A few years back, I shared this with a friend who is also my junior back in my school,
never underestimate the power of 'dakwah bilhal' dan the power of 'du'aa' grin emoticon... ntahlah. akak nak ckp mcm mn pun xtahu.. bila this ahkak2 keep saying "dekati mad'u pelbagai personaliti.." tp diorg sendiri bergaul sesama diorang je, akak rasa mcm nk ckp je "teori, teori teori, amalinya mana?"bila akak dalam situasi bergaul dgn macam2 jenis manusia, baru akak rasa "dihadapkan" dgn "so now tell me, syaza, what would you do?" "so what did you preach last time, syaza? this is the perfect time to practice it. are you doing it? is it really gonna work the same, every single time?" bagi akak, selagi kita tak experience sendiri this so called 'manusia pelbagai ragam' selagi kita duduk dlm kelompok kita, asyik berhujah teori saja, don't tell me what to do and what not to do. k.
just, what i would like to tell you is, to never ever, EVER , give up hope. to always pray for a friend to change. to always kenal dulu, sebelum pakai 'judging hat'.. Use your judging hat sparingly. always percaya semua orang mampu berubah. always look at the beautiful side of everything. always.and always remember hadith logam.

Tapi tulah. It is always the question of what is right, and what is wrong. Always. 
Asma, another dear friend too, masa bersembang dengan beliau, masa datang beraya dulu, asked,
"Akak rasa?" when I said "Akak taktahulah. Kadang-kadang akak tertanya-tanya, are we going backwards while our friends move forward?" (Seorang Asma dah 'Chocolate Token'nya)

And I said. "Tak tahulah Asma. Akak rasa, for now, apa akak boleh cakap is, continue to spread goodness, however it is. Buatlah macam mana cara pun, if it benefits, insyaAllah, insyaAllah we're doing the right thing."

And one of my bestfriends used to say this when I tell her I doubt my way of thinking,
"At the end of the day, no one is able to tell you what is truly right and what is truly wrong. You have done your part and you saw it worked. And you saw how other's way worked too. It is okay to have different thoughts and approaches. No worries." 

Kebanyakan kita rasa hipokrit, dan berhenti berusaha jadi Muslim yang baik. Semua sebab penglipur lara, katanya "Muslim harus sempurna."Katanya, "Untuk lulus ujian Muslim sejati, harus tidak berbuat dosa dan capai 100% tahap iman. Kalau tidak, nah syurga cuma angan-angan."Katanya sang penglipur lara lagi, "Sahabat nabi sempurna percaya dengan risalah, semua serba semangat. Kau hilang semangat? Nah, kau sudah gagal.""Tak perlu usaha lagi, kau takkan berjaya. Syurga memang untuk orang yang baik dan kau mustahil. Tamat."
Katanya Sang Penglipur Lara, syaitan.
"...people all over the world actually give up trying to be better Muslims because they fall short of their own expectations for how effortless and impeccable their Islam should be. They try hard to implement Islam- they go through the motions even when their hearts aren't in it, and because they find themselves being pulled in two directions, they assume they're doing something hypocritical or wrong and they stop altogether."
(The Myth of the Naturally Good Muslim)

May 2014 lepas, kak MK (Maryam Kirana. Cool kan nama dia. Macam nama novel. Nickname pun cool. M.K. ahaha k bai) (one of the Champaks) sent me a voice note,
"Kita semua adalah hamba yg kononnya mahu pulang mencari cinta dan kasih Pencipta selagi terdaya. Aku harap aku tak menipu, bila bilang aku paling mahu." MA..

Allah. Pandulah hati ni selalu. Moga dihalakan, yang baik-baik saja.

Flying and falling

Thursday, October 1, 2015

been flying high.
but learnt how to land softly.
safely landed.
so yeah.

hew kemain banyak benda nak cerita, semua dalam drafts, yg tu tak post .. pi post benda gini.

pastu terpost dekat blog BADAR. ahahhahaha. i died-ed. i can only hope people will pandang sipi je. ahhahah clumsy clumsy
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