ATTENTION : You will need to click on the title of each article to read the full post, yang mana rasa macam tergantung..


Thursday, May 26, 2016

Tersebut alkisah suatu malam diskusi untuk subject Graphics dan Animation, seorang Aina Zalikha was browsing through travelling websites when suddenly,

"Caje, hang takmau pi Kashmir?"
"India ke..? Tiket tengah murah ni."
"Sampai esok je ni promotion dia... Tanyalah mak hang."

So I asked my parents am I allowed to travel with friends to, Kashmir?

And mommy said "Ada duit pergilah."
Kahkah. Permission first, money generating later.

Then suddenly
"Caje, Jepun jom. Murah ni" still scrolling.

Ce tanya Aa. Dia pernah pi Jepun kan. Kakpijah ikut tak?
Ajak Aa sekali lah.

Maka demikianlah. In the middle of the semester we had our flights booked. Not knowing what to do there where to sleep there and still having our final projects and thesis to be done. Now FYP done, tinggal thesis.

Selamat pergi ke dan pulang dari Jepun.

Uninvited guest.

Tuesday, May 24, 2016

IG: MAY 26, 2016.

"Peripatetic. For one who often travels on foot around the campus, one of the most treasured memories would be the drizzles and to be able to arrive just in time before the heavy pour. And those 'wattudu now stuck in the rain' moments. Or em, simply just got drenched kuyup sbb hujan lebat tetiba tak bg salam. 
Memories once shared dearly with many but not anymore since not many wants to walk dah."

Had a surprise visit from a friend.
Haven't met for a while and the first question..
"Hahah... Does it show?"
"Em. You look.. bothered."
"... I cried myself to sleep last night."
"That explains." she nodded. "Things will work out."
"Sure. Thank you."


"What happened?"
"...Rejected apologies."
"Ouch. What did you do?"
Shrugged. "Nevermind lah. Let's not talk about this." Not wanting to explain, I cried enough, not gonna cry anymore. And I don't want to put anyone else in the situation. That's just plain childish.

I knew what exactly has happened, I was aware of what could be my total fault, I was ready to take the full blame. I was bothered, yes, but what bothered me more, was the rejection.

No wonder people ask me to stop saying sorry for everything.
"Bukan semua benda kat dunia ni tanggungjawab hang." and "Stop being so apologetic." and "Stop apologising. Just do what you have to do."

They say saying it a lot just makes it lose its worth. I never really get that, why would it be devalued if I know I'm being sincere, even for the littlest thing?
I guess I've learnt my part. Our values differ.

Now, please tell me what can I do, if this heart even apologises to mannequins and chairs for accidentally 'hitting' them? Even to walls and floors and doors? Let alone to breathing beings.

Genuinely begged to let me help, like what can I do to make it up to them. I knew it had happened and is forever impossible to undo it. I was so very ready to take the full responsibility that follows.

But it was rejected with a single blow of cold wind.
It was a prompt response, I understand.
It was not the first cold encounter, I've dealt multiple times, I understand.
And even more, it was rather brief.
Very brief.
Shouldn't be that big of a deal, Syaza.

But I don't understand why, this time,
I was scarred.
Deeply wounded.
And traumatised.
I am not exaggerating. I am scarred and scared.

What if I continue to hurt more people that they just had to reject future apologies and make me feel this again? I don't wanna feel this anymore.

In the whole rejection thing, the part of them rejecting is fathomable, they are the victim, but the part that it is I, I, that made them do it, is not fine.
The thought that I have done something and made someone listen to me profusely apologising, and thenn reject it - that part, I am not okay with.

And the thought that 'I'd be better off vanished before anymore disaster strikes', came back.
After so long they haven't said hi.
So hey there. I made new friends these past few years and I never wished to see you again.
Guess you're already here and there's nothing I can do about it.
Welcome back, guest.
An uninvited one.
Just don't shoo my friends away.
Once is enough. I can't afford more loss.


Monday, May 23, 2016


Old writing.

Please don't see me as a competitor, see me as a friend. I beg.

Menjadi saksi kepura-puraan manusia depan mata, bikin jiwa jadi takut; takut jadi pada diri.
'If' it has yet to happen. Has it tho, and I did not realise?
The words that repeatedly came out were:
"Don't do that to me." Don't. Please. Don't. I don't wanna know there are people who had to be fake in front of me. To even think about it being possible, is killing me.

"Tapi hang bukan rugi apa kalau orang buat macam tu dekat hang." Yenjel.

But it's just that I do not wish to learn at any point in my life that I have once let pretentious people into my life, to know that I have once deliberately let them made marks on me, even though it was through fake feelings, 'especially' if it was through that.
How sad and hurtful would that be?

Tapi ya iyalah. Manusia dan ragamnya.
Manusia dan pengalaman.
Manusia seluruhnya.
Bukan kita pun yang boleh kawal.

Nauzubillah min zalik.
Moga semua beroleh kehidupan dalam kasih sayang sebenar,
ternaungi rapi bawah jagaan Pemilik cinta sekaliannya.

"Tolong jangan baik sangat, nanti orang pijak kepala." AMAW, 2009.

This heart, had been constantly bruised indeed.

Kenapalah fikir pasal orang sangat. It's a selfish world some people tak pernah fikir pasal orang pun and they can live just well.

I grew up, with good hearts surrounding me. Orang pijak pun masih nak anggap terpijak.
But it's suffocating to sometimes let yourself acknowledge that you're feeling unappreciated. Kan orang dah cakap, jangan harap manusia. Harap Tuhan je yang appreciate.

Tapi itulah. They say wanting to be good is one thing, to stay good is another.

Tak apalah. I wanna stay and be good. Not for you, not for other people, but for a better me. Tak apalah. Bukannya lama pun hidup kat dunia ni.


I've finished studio life. Not in the way I've imagined, though. But studio has already ended.
Can we quickly move on to the next phase in life?
Can I move on tho, from the memories?

#np Bring Me The Horizon - Drown (Live from Maida Vale)
What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead. 
Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper. 
And I can't take one more moment of this silence. 
The loneliness is haunting me. 
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up. 

It comes in waves, I close my eyes. 
Hold my breath and let it bury me. 
I'm not okay, and it's not alright. 
Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again? 

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down? 
Save me from myself, don't let me drown. 
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive? 
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.


Saturday, May 7, 2016

IG: Feb 26, 2016 
Boulevard of Broken Dreams

Mak always tells me not to think of just myself, to always think about other people.

So I've been living in this world, carefully, always trying to check if I missed anyone behind.
"If I do this, would that affect you/him/her in anyway?"

Sad, sad thing, when you have to live with a bunch of selfish pricks.
Who care only of their time.

Me being me, I must settle one thing at a time.
I need to have adequate information as soon as possible so I can schedule my, life.

I don't expect my final semester to be like this.
Alone. Buat kerja dalam bilik. Pergi studio sekejap-sekejap.

When studio used to be my first mahallah all this while.
Sampai kadang-kadang mandi pun dekat KAED when you can't afford to 'tak mandi lagi' anymore that time.
Sampai pernah bawak baju macam nak camping.

Tidur anywhere. Anytime. Dalam studio.

I've always seen my major abbrev. 'ID' as.. individualistic. ...


Update (Jun 2017) Hahah. This was a draft I kept and never finished. Terkilan masa tu pasal final presentation. Alolo sedihnya kita di final semester. Tapi ye mmg lonely pun final semester. Huhu. k

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