ATTENTION : You will need to click on the title of each article to read the full post, yang mana rasa macam tergantung..

31 Yuli 2017

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

My 2015 birthday outing. 

Ayu's 2015 birthday outing

Qila's 2017 birthday outing?

2015. I remember masa ni we (esp Miah) were so intrigued tengok orang main dkt arcade ahah

(Aimi came with Angah and little Hafiyyy, had to leave earlier)

Aimi, Qila and  Ayu just finished their final submission for the semester. Masing-masing sekarang housemates and studio-mates doing their Masters dkt UiTM. Miah just got back from the UK, obtained her Masters from LJMU, alhamdulillah. I, incidentally had to be in KL once again for another TFM screening.

While I'm currently running away from most other people, ziz lavlehss, ziz, can't miss the chance berjumpa. Walaupun memang penat UKCG, but man, who am I kidding, this is one of my charging docks!

Secara praktikalnya, depa nilah teman sebilik, teman setidur, I mean teman tak tidur, started way back since CFS. And all of them taking Architecture after foundation while I went for arts and design, means they graduated their Part 1 one year earlier than I did my degree. I have to admit, from my previous posts, indeed my final year was the...loneliest. I felt the loss. They came for my birthday, yes, occasionally checking up on me but blergh, memang tak sama lah.

Catching up berjam-jam lamanya melepet dan (almost) non-stop tambah air dan dipping sauces.. sampailah Along call, tiba masanya untuk pulang ke Penang..

Terima kasih. Moga masing-masing berjaya dalam jalan yang dipilih. Until we meet again.

Other people may have only seen the groomed ready-to-face-the-world version, but I can tell you these lovelies have seen the vulnerable behind-the-scene version of me, of one another. Yang mamainya, yang mengigaunya, yang tiba-tiba menangis dekat tangganya, yang makan tidur tak terurusnya, hal-hal laundrynya ahhaha, momen yang tak lalu makannya, yang terlebih-lebih makannya, yang taknak bangunnya, yang tak boleh tidurnya, yang malas mandi atau terlebih rajin mandinya lol macam-macamlah.

My studio-mates have only known about the convocation awards on that day itself, while these people knew it months earlier. They weren't there to celebrate physically but their encouragement really lifted me up.

Jadi, tipulah kalau tak terkesan menghabiskan baki setahun tanpa these familiar faces.


"I'm so glad I got to meet you today."
"So glad to meet you too."

"Don't feel down to be the best! That's what you are destined to do and don't let other people drag you down, go on at your own pace, you are an individual with aims and feelings. Do what you think is right, and just share your success and happiness without the need to hold back." TATJ, 2017.

Selamat Hari Raya

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

A year of hiatus, can you believe it? Blogging since 2008, (2004 to be exact)... Lepas tu setahun privatekan blog. Ye ye je macam ada orang perasan je. 😂

I haven't stopped, of course. I still write every now and then, dalam phone punya notes, instagram essays...huhuhuhuhdie.

Selamat Hari Raya. This is one of the notes I kept last puasa.

Cerita iftorrrr:

I was at work. 5pm. Dpt mesej mak suruh goreng mee balik kerja nnt. Mak nak pergi kedai ambil kereta baru servis. Mak dah nak keluar tapi duk fikir juadah lagi. Nampak ye di situ mem tengah kalut.

So I got home, mak belum balik lagi, abah dah balik.

Abah mintak siapkan lauk nak hantar ke atok dan wan. Sambil menggoreng mi dan memanaskan lauk, dengar pintu terbuka, mak balik.

"Buat kuih apa harini?" abah tny mak yang baru masuk rumah.
"Tak ada buat kuih pun..." mak jwb slow.. Abah suka makan kuih utk berbuka.

"Eiiihh.. Tak buat kuih...?!" abah cuba annoy mak, dari meja makan. They weren't facing each other.

"Saya ni keluar masuk keluar masuk harini... Mana sempat nak buat blabla.." mak tgh bkk tdg, dkt ruang lain.

"Alah... Abah nak jugak makan kuih..." second successful attempt to annoy.
"Mana sempat singgah mana2 tadi, terus balik rumah..." mak cuba tenang tp dpt rasa aura fed up tu ye.

Masa yang sama I saw abah put something on the table. Bawah tudung.

Dah siap bungkus lauk untuk atok. Hulur bekal ke abah. Nampak abah tambah something dan tahan senyum. Abah keluar.

Mak kembali join di dapur nak siap2 meja. Bukak tudung saji.

Ada tepung bungkus, lompang dan seri muka.

Mak takleh tahan senyum "Eiiihhh. Saja je lah nak buat orang marah."


The Letter, undelivered.

This is, an agony. I really miss you but I couldn't find the best way to express.
What if I tell you and I would only end up making you feel uncomfortable?
I don't want that.
Us being us, fahamlah, you may or may not feel the same way ey.  I really do wonder if you are feeling the same and missing me too, or you wouldn't wanna hear a thing from me. Anymore.

I wrote this (and more I decided not to disclose here), months before your birthday, teringin nak wish although you have always hated it haha, but I did not want to be an annoyance. Hence, the blog post. Of which I do hope it reaches you, but I know I shouldn't expect.

I guess this blog is the best place. If you happen to be reading this, it means you on your own self wanted to check on me. And that actually makes me happy, if I may say that. If this never reaches you, I know my place.

Hampir setiap saat teringat. Tengok langit teringat. Pergi airport teringat. Hujan, teringat. Tgk makanan sihat, teringat. Eh dah macam orang bercinta lah. Dapat lesen pun teringat. Yesss!! Did you know I have gotten my lesennn kereta? I drove alone to SP for the first time and wanted to tell you, I wanted to share a lot, A LOT of things, I wanted to ask you a lottt of things, like how was your dayyy, did you watch this video yet? Have you heard the new song cover?? I wanted to ask you is it 'in' or 'on'? But then everytime I look at our last few conversations, I did not do it. I just couldn't. And that, breaks my heart.

I dont know what went wrong. Was it what I said, was it what I did? Even if this is how it should be, even if a no-goodbye separation is considered normal, I would like to at least, have a closure.  Tak sedapnya hati bila tak bercontact berbulan-bulan, bertahun-tahun, without knowing the reason why, but knowing something has happened, only not knowing what that something really was/is. to even like your socmed posts punnn i'm afraid you wouldn't even wanna see my name pops up. :/ jadinya, kita doa. dari jauh.

Of course I remember that you said you'd distance yourself at times, but this time it feels oddly wrong, or maybe just to me. Maybe it won't feel as wrong, if there were goodbyes.

Despite all this, I know I should not let this get in the way of all the good memories we had together. Tak suka bila benda mcm ni disregard the good time. Indeed you had always been there, always a great addition to my life, sebab tu lah duk teringat selalu.

But then again. Maybe, just maybe, while I wanted us so bad, you needed you and perhaps I too, needed me. I wasnt ready to lose any of my favourite persons yet but if that is the case then, I pray for your success, fly high and until we meet again.
May when that time arrives, we then are transformed souls - strong yet gentle, with pride, yet remained humble.

Terima kasih sangat. Dan minta maaf untuk segala lelah. Tak tertulis setiap satu halnya. I used to pray for things to get back like how it used to be, to the extent that I almost disbelieved hopes and prayers when I see it ain't getting there, until I reminded myself to only pray for things to be as Allah has planned, cause indeed He is the best planner, He knows what the future holds. He knows, what is best.

Apa-apapun, please know that you hebat, you kuat. And this cje will always pray for you, insyaAllah selagi nafas masih ada, selagi ingatan masih terpahat. This, I can assure you.

There. I've let it out.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.

You're the only one spelling it like this. While a lot of other people likes to spell my nickname with an additional H.

The things I once worried of.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Ntah. Assignment banyak lagi. I just feel like blogging malam ni. Just a quick one.
Esok ada appointment dengan business manager syarikat carpet untuk dapat material samples. Peh, nak mintak sample je pun.
Nebes ambe.

Lately I've been taking selfies. Lol apa punya statement ni? motif sangat. I mean, sangat dah tak kisah bergambar dengan orang. Asyik fikir, bila lagi. Sebelum ni kemain susah nak bergambar. asyik fikir i really want the moments captured.

Suka tengok bila kawan kita seronok. Bahagialah, bila orang bahagia.
Lately asyik suka tenung kawan-kawan. Terpandang lama. Lagi nak grad lagi sedih.
K padahal belum officially habis lagi third year.

Sepanjang hidup penuh cabaran mental fizikal rohani jasmani segala ni, dengan orang sekeliling lah kita tempuh.
Satu hari nanti, those long conversations sampai ke tengah pagi tengah malam, will be much shorter, those inside jokes those stuff we share sama-sama, group-group whatsapp maybe dah tak berbunyi dah. atau bunyi sekali sekala just to say hi.

Life is busy love is there. Hopefully.

Soon masing-masing akan bawa diri. masing-masing akan ada their own little family.
dan masa tu, satu je saya harap sebenarnya, jangan lupa saya.

(Tapi sebenarnya lebih kepada fikir if I die young. implikasi dekat both family dan kawan-kawan. 

macam mana kalau tak sempat sampaikan apresiasi?
macam mana kalau ada broken hearts i couldnt mend?
hearts that have hurt because of me, because of what i did or what i said.)

Update June 2017: This was written in 2015, tak publish. Dan masing-masing dah bawa diri. Embrace it.

"Keharuman Deen, seperti namamu(ku)"

Sunday, February 12, 2017

"Untuk seorang sahabat baik, yang penyabar. Di mataku, kau nyata seorang muslimah cantik luar dalam dengan semangat dan kebijaksanaanmu, dan betapa bersungguhnya kau mencari ilmu. Kata-katamu di madrasah dahulu, padaku, selalu mengalir ibarat air yang membasahkan tanah keraguan dan kegersangan.
Selamat hari lahir, Keharuman Deen.. Seperti namamu, kau telah lama begitu Dan semoga kekal, dan makin mengharum mewangi, sampai Firdausi!"

Hilang kata-kata nak balas.

Amin beribu kali.

Ini ucapan hari lahir dari Adilla, one I haven't met for years..

Am I still the same?
Masih harum mewangi kah?
Pernah mengharum kah?
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