ATTENTION : You will need to click on the title of each article to read the full post, yang mana rasa macam tergantung..

That time I'm feelin... Generous

Tuesday, September 26, 2017

Semalam nak hantar mak pi teman abah dialysis.
On the way ada Pesta Orkid (and other pokok bunga). Mak tengah duk menanam macam-macam jenis bunga ros, Sabar Roses collection katanya. Terapi mawar.

"Japgi berhenti singgah jap, mak nak beli ros siam. Tempat bunga mak ada kosong lagi." Hahah okay mem.

Teringat two of my previous clients, both of them nampak muda lagi, and diorg belanja parents utk renovate rumah dan tempah kitchen cabinet berpuluh ribu. Fiuhh, cek tak(belum) mampuuu lgi. And they are both single ladies in their late 20s early 30s.

And since pagi tu baru lepas belanja orang, why not malam ni belanja mak.... "Mak pilihlah mana nak, Aja..belanja, ni je mampu ahahah"

Balik mak was so happy dapat bunga ros purple dan oren.
"Tengkiuu." like a child getting new toys.

On the way ke hospital, dalam kereta, tiba-tiba mak cakap
"Haritu mak nampak ada sorang tu dia ckp dkt anak dia, "Habislah duit ibuuu. Habislahhh.""

Awh mummy's saying she's happy kita belanja dia. Huhuh padahal berapa ringgit je pun.

Harini kena hantar atok pi klinik kesihatan, biasanya Along yang pi. (I really don't like pi bank, pi klinik yang bersistem-sistem nak kena go through lepas meja ni ke meja tu then ke bilik ni and all that).
Sarung skirt over my kain batik, sweater over my short sleeves. Mcm biasa. Selekeh.

Habis session, it was still so early in the morning, lapaq and I got (less than) "twenty 'ringgit' in my pocckett" 🎶 ajaklah atok pi makan capati..
"Wan dah makan ke tok?"
"Takpalah bungkuih bg kat wan hang sama, dua keping roti canai.." Oraitt. No problemmmm. Oh teh dan air suam.

Then mak whatsapp;
"Sebelum balik nnt tlg belikan nasi lemak.." Alamak, bajet pagi ni lari.
"Roti canai nak tak?"
"Bolehlah kalau nak beli." *set dalam kepala at least RM10. Or maybe more. Takpalah, cukup, cukup.*

Tetiba atok bangun pi tgk lauk untuk makan tengahari... Atok mcm tak minat,
"Sebelah ni ada kedai lauk gak," I suggested. Lupa padahal ada berapa ringgit je lg.
"Takpa, duk makan capati dulu. Satgi kita pi tengok."

"Eh? Dah masuk sekali semua?" I don't know kira macam mana but okayy so ada bajet lebih untuk ke kedai sebelah.
I saw RM10 so if it's less than RM10 we're all good.

Pi kedai sebelah.
Atok tgk mcm nak semua lauk. Panas-panas lagi semua.
Kita dalam kepala dah fikir nak tinggal telefon ke IC ke, buat cagaran satgi mai balik bayaq ahahaha.
"Ikan ni buh kuah dia banyak sikit. Tokua ni dua ketui."
"Sayuq nak tak tok?" (in a failed penang dialect)
"Ha bolehlah."

Tetiba org kedai bwk keluo satu periuk baru sudah masak. "Asam pedaih ikan pari mau dak? Asam pedaih melaka." Atodddiaa.
"Bolehlah." Atok. Mmg kena tinggal fon ni 😂😂😂

Nak bayar.
"RM4..RM3.. RM2..bla bla." please cukup please cukup. Tapi still ready nak cagar fon.
"RM12." huhuhuhuhuh well I saw RM1 tadi and syiling baki roti canai tadi 50sen.
"Duit atok ada ni."
"Eh tak....pa.. *seluk poket jumpa syiling 50sen* ada, ada..!"


Alhamdulillah. Ya Allah saat-saat pengharapan total kepada Allah gitu. 

Balik rumah, "Alahai berapa keping je kakak beli. Eh nasi lemak takde? Igt beli tambahan roti canai tadi."

Akakakak shhs. Kita-kita je tahu. Sorry ya ummi ana pokai pagi ni.


Kenapa nak jadi cikgu pulak?

Wednesday, August 23, 2017

"Kenapa nak jadi cikgu pulak?" Now I know why TFM fellows often write lengthy essays to validate their reasons to join, people are asking and disbelieving indeed.

I think I've said it once on this blog, I used to not want to be a teacher, not in any ways trying to degrade teachers, not at all, but because I look at it as a noble profession, I did not feel like I would be good enough as a teacher. I doubted my ability to teach. But as I grow, I find the need to push myself forward and this seems to be one of the ways. 


A couple of months before resigning and off to a new working life. InsyaAllah, if everything went well. A few stages passed and a few more to go. After a Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah where we'll be shadowing our respective fellowship ambassador, we'll have two-months Pre-service Programme before reporting in, for the next two-year school session.

That being said, I'll be taking a break from the 'design working world' and dive into the teaching profession. This is not something I do baselessly. I have discussed with people around me, myself(?), my parents, my friends, my teachers and lecturers, my current employer, and I end up fortifying a few (a lot of) reasons why I'm doing this and I can even categorise which one to answer to specific people.. leuls. And thus, no I am not withdrawing from the design life. In fact, I am trying to delve even deeper into it. It's a different road, yes, but it still is a way towards it.

Personal motivation: To at least give something back to the society while at the same time developing myself in something other than design, BEFORE continuing to go after my personal pursuit in my career and education development, in interior design.

In a lot of things, I had always wanted to stay behind the scene, but most of the time I still got pushed to the front line, and forced (or I myself felt obliged) to lead something. This time around, I'm taking this as my very own voluntary step forward to (learn how to) lead.

"Go for the knowledge" is something I chant all the time, my mantera. Now it's time to spread the agenda. I'll have an audience for a start: my students. Buuut it is up to me to engage with them first. Please make du'aa.

Interior design basis:
"The improvement of environment through interior design is NOT ONLY aesthetics but also functionality and productivity." My focus in design had always been on the multisensory interior, specifically in the learning environment. I can, if I want to, just enrol in a post-graduate school and research on 'the best design approach for students', but I choose to get first-hand experience: BE IN THE SCHOOL. It definitely won't be a direct effect, an immediate impact, I know. "Oh I have done a research now I want to present the best school design proposal and get it applied in Malaysia." No. The building programme for Malaysian schools are administered by the Ministry of Education, I know my voice is gonna be like a whisper, but at least I'll have this opportunity to understand better and to eventually try and get my idea across.

In fact, however grandeur or sophisticated the building design is, it will remain a soulless architecture, if the environmental effect is not achieved. And I believe one of the ways to it is through education - an active interaction of human beings at a setting, a two-way process of teaching and learning, of teachers and learners where sometimes the teachers are the learners instead and the students are the one offering something to teach, beyond the academic value.

And hopefully with my one foot stepped into the education world, I'll be given a chance to spark a change.

If anyone is interested to read:
Desa Mahkota by Eleena Jamil Architect: http://www.archdaily.com/470704/desa-mahkota-school-eleena-jamil-architect
School design is not to blame: https://www.nst.com.my/news/2016/08/169583/schools-design-not-blame
Design of present schools ideal for bullies:

I am writing this down as a motivation.. if I ever feel like giving up along the way.

Tiba tiba masuk kelas...

This is another one of the notes I wrote earlier. I write things dekat handphone sbb tak sempat bukak blogger. Hahah. 

Gambar: Design showroom tingkat atas. Sampai ke sudah tak siap-siap lagi.

Harini ada org walk-in showroom. Tanya pasal hood dan racking..... Kemudian jadi lecture panjang sampai sejam..... There are some points I agree with and some that I do not. But since beliau orang lama, I just listened more. 

"You kerja sini, ada buat freelance tak?"
"Adalah kadang-kadang."

Beliau ulang pasal income RM1500 dkt kampung memadai, and yes RM3300 miskin bandar dekat KL, tahap layak mintak zakat. He told about his friend yg kerja tetap RM4.5k, freelancing RM4k. I personally don't like talking about money when it comes to the intention of us working, but he insisted on making sure students these days are equipped with entrepreneurial skill upon graduation. I admit I suck at that. 

 I have had people asking me if I'm working part time as they don't seem to agree with the place I am working at right now, as I 'seemed to deserve something better'. Sebab 'kerja dekat dengan rumah' sounds like a joke. I do not mind at all, why should you? But unlike other people of his age, this man told me it's good to start at this kind of place. "They let you do everything, dari akaun ke tax invoice ke cuci cuci jamban sekalipun, they instill trust in you. If you start dkt company besar and you are given one task, say, technical, sampai ke tua lah you buat benda tu unless you berjaya highlight your management capability and improve your skill. Mcm mana org skrg buat? Open university, online university. Sad."

Well, I don't see a problem sebenarnya.. tapi takpelah.

Beliau cakap pasal nak buat sesuatu kena ada hati. Beliau tak setuju grad 3.6 civil engineering tapi buat cosmetic business instead. He said why waste your time doing something you cant make money out of it in the future?

I do not agree since I am a firm believer that knowledge will always have value and time is never wasted even if you don't end up in the field.

Even joining TFM, some people go 
"Oh sayangnya bukan bidang.."
"Laaa. Kenapa macam tu??" 

For those I do not feel like explaining, I will just say "JPA panggil untuk habiskan kontrak", end of discussion.

"You buat 3D? I akan avoid. I pernah buat aquarium siap air, ikan, lampu semua. Walaupun kita tulis this is just for visualisation, bila dah siap client akan tanya "MANA IKANNYA?" Hahah

"You ada knowledge on measurement, jadi I rasa drawing you tak ada masalah. Ni ada student I yang main hentam je measurement dalam drawing asal dia nampak macam lawa. Kita yang dah lama ni, zapp terus boleh detect mana salah."

I told him about how some clients insist on us doing exactly as they want.
"You ingat ni, dalam interior, CUSTOMER IS ALWAYS WRONG. You have to show them what they did not expect." 

I told him how my bosses are always in a state "Oh you're right, didn't think of that" when I started asking questions. How they said they always never cared.
"Because they are business-minded. Asal dapat duit, we do what they want. But you as someone with knowledge, tell them what they might not realise."

He said he used to work with international companies.
"Drawing ni ada dua jenis: TECHNICAL dan PRESENTATION. 
Interior, kita lebih dekat dengan client, so we had a lot of presentation to them. Yg duduk depan you siapa? Accountant, Manager, yang tak ada design background. Anak2 muda sekarang sibuk pakai macam2 software, nampak canggih tapi tak dapat reach audience. Kami orang lama guna powerpoint je, tarik arrow je show this and that. Know your audience."

I told him how I can resonate, when my first few technical drawing couldn't be understood by those in the production team. I did like how I was taught in school, segala dotted line for hidden objects dan symbols for elevation door swing. We dont share the same frequency. I learned their way to be well understood.

He also asked if I know as-built drawings... He said it is very important for the designer to know the little details. OHH AND HE ASKED HOW MANY YEARS WE SPENT LEARNING ABOUT DRAWING IN UNI? "You banyak explore sendiri kan, bukan lecturer ajar kan?" I'm telling you dalam 200 orang graduates, 2 orang je betul capable drawing. You guys had too many things. Kawad lah apa lah." (I told him yg uia got no compulsory kawad thing, we very direct pipol liddat)

"You buat rendering? TAK PAYAHH, BUANG MASA. I as boss nak tgk first idea je, kalau lambat sgt nak attach file, hah snap je lah pakai phone. Nak tgk view je, then we start the discussion from there." I don't mind sebenarnya, it is one of the skills we can learn and improve, why not. Although, I am not much of a super photorealistic rendering (the one yg dengan karat-karat, taik cicak sume nak indicate), to me you leave the realistic aspect when it's finished, when it is .... realised? I find it time-consuming because at the end of the day it is almost impossible to get something EXACTLY the same as your rendering. I would like to focus more on the rough idea, the design. Nonetheless, I still regard it as an invaluable skill, go for it if you like it.

Em. Banyaklah sebenarnya beliau bebelkan, tapi macam berterabur sini situ sikit. Fiuh

Beliau akhiri dengan mintak contact number dan cakap "Kalau I ada benda nak you buat nnt, I contact you. Benda2 simple je. Tak sampai 15min you boleh buat. RM20-RM30 utk benda kecik, kumpul 10 kali, dah boleh dapat RM2-3ratus." baru nak cakap cuti Ahad je tkut tak ada masa dia sambung "budak sekarang manja, bila anak I kata dia busy, ok tell me, list down the things you are so busy of..".............. K.

Bila beliau ckp contoh dia nak suruh visualise meja study, I felt so reluctant. I thought of how I would be doing a detailed meja study with aluminum handle, drawer dengan kunci, papan keyboard dgn railing, skirting meja segala. It would take me hours to perfect it. When he showed me the drawing did by one of his outsource, yup. Tahap buat 15min je. 

"You belajar addmath, you rasa ada kegunaan tak dalam hidup?" I know he wanted me to say no ahha but I just smiled I didnt wanna say no sbb mmg ada lol, but he said something very interesting too. "It's all about problem solving. The skill to solve problems." reminds me of how designers are (or supposed to be) regarded as problem solvers.

Then it also got me thinking, Oh problem-solving is such a compelling trait to me. Like how I am adoring this Tan guy kedai radiator sebelah hari-hari baiki kereta rosak dan customer jadi sangat happy bila kereta dah baiki. Eh.

I like when people give out ideas and even more when they proved they can solve things. Like, so heroic/heroinic(?). Alah hatta benda kecik je. Macam jawab teka teki dengan betul. 

Wuih. Panjang beno ni. 

Melalut, nak tulis lagi tapi Notes dah start hang.


31 Yuli 2017

Wednesday, August 2, 2017

My 2015 birthday outing. 

Ayu's 2015 birthday outing

Qila's 2017 birthday outing?

2015. I remember masa ni we (esp Miah) were so intrigued tengok orang main dkt arcade ahah

(Aimi came with Angah and little Hafiyyy, had to leave earlier)

Aimi, Qila and  Ayu just finished their final submission for the semester. Masing-masing sekarang housemates and studio-mates doing their Masters dkt UiTM. Miah just got back from the UK, obtained her Masters from LJMU, alhamdulillah. I, incidentally had to be in KL once again for another TFM screening.

While I'm currently running away from most other people, ziz lavlehss, ziz, can't miss the chance berjumpa. Walaupun memang penat UKCG, but man, who am I kidding, this is one of my charging docks!

Secara praktikalnya, depa nilah teman sebilik, teman setidur, I mean teman tak tidur, started way back since CFS. And all of them taking Architecture after foundation while I went for arts and design, means they graduated their Part 1 one year earlier than I did my degree. I have to admit, from my previous posts, indeed my final year was the...loneliest. I felt the loss. They came for my birthday, yes, occasionally checking up on me but blergh, memang tak sama lah.

Catching up berjam-jam lamanya melepet dan (almost) non-stop tambah air dan dipping sauces.. sampailah Along call, tiba masanya untuk pulang ke Penang..

Terima kasih. Moga masing-masing berjaya dalam jalan yang dipilih. Until we meet again.

Other people may have only seen the groomed ready-to-face-the-world version, but I can tell you these lovelies have seen the vulnerable behind-the-scene version of me, of one another. Yang mamainya, yang mengigaunya, yang tiba-tiba menangis dekat tangganya, yang makan tidur tak terurusnya, hal-hal laundrynya ahhaha, momen yang tak lalu makannya, yang terlebih-lebih makannya, yang taknak bangunnya, yang tak boleh tidurnya, yang malas mandi atau terlebih rajin mandinya lol macam-macamlah.

My studio-mates have only known about the convocation awards on that day itself, while these people knew it months earlier. They weren't there to celebrate physically but their encouragement really lifted me up.

Jadi, tipulah kalau tak terkesan menghabiskan baki setahun tanpa these familiar faces.


"I'm so glad I got to meet you today."
"So glad to meet you too."

"Don't feel down to be the best! That's what you are destined to do and don't let other people drag you down, go on at your own pace, you are an individual with aims and feelings. Do what you think is right, and just share your success and happiness without the need to hold back." TATJ, 2017.

Selamat Hari Raya

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

A year of hiatus, can you believe it? Blogging since 2008, (2004 to be exact)... Lepas tu setahun privatekan blog. Ye ye je macam ada orang perasan je. 😂

I haven't stopped, of course. I still write every now and then, dalam phone punya notes, instagram essays...huhuhuhuhdie.

Selamat Hari Raya. This is one of the notes I kept last puasa.

Cerita iftorrrr:

I was at work. 5pm. Dpt mesej mak suruh goreng mee balik kerja nnt. Mak nak pergi kedai ambil kereta baru servis. Mak dah nak keluar tapi duk fikir juadah lagi. Nampak ye di situ mem tengah kalut.

So I got home, mak belum balik lagi, abah dah balik.

Abah mintak siapkan lauk nak hantar ke atok dan wan. Sambil menggoreng mi dan memanaskan lauk, dengar pintu terbuka, mak balik.

"Buat kuih apa harini?" abah tny mak yang baru masuk rumah.
"Tak ada buat kuih pun..." mak jwb slow.. Abah suka makan kuih utk berbuka.

"Eiiihh.. Tak buat kuih...?!" abah cuba annoy mak, dari meja makan. They weren't facing each other.

"Saya ni keluar masuk keluar masuk harini... Mana sempat nak buat blabla.." mak tgh bkk tdg, dkt ruang lain.

"Alah... Abah nak jugak makan kuih..." second successful attempt to annoy.
"Mana sempat singgah mana2 tadi, terus balik rumah..." mak cuba tenang tp dpt rasa aura fed up tu ye.

Masa yang sama I saw abah put something on the table. Bawah tudung.

Dah siap bungkus lauk untuk atok. Hulur bekal ke abah. Nampak abah tambah something dan tahan senyum. Abah keluar.

Mak kembali join di dapur nak siap2 meja. Bukak tudung saji.

Ada tepung bungkus, lompang dan seri muka.

Mak takleh tahan senyum "Eiiihhh. Saja je lah nak buat orang marah."


The Letter, undelivered.

This is, an agony. I really miss you but I couldn't find the best way to express.
What if I tell you and I would only end up making you feel uncomfortable?
I don't want that.
Us being us, fahamlah, you may or may not feel the same way ey.  I really do wonder if you are feeling the same and missing me too, or you wouldn't wanna hear a thing from me. Anymore.

I wrote this (and more I decided not to disclose here), months before your birthday, teringin nak wish although you have always hated it haha, but I did not want to be an annoyance. Hence, the blog post. Of which I do hope it reaches you, but I know I shouldn't expect.

I guess this blog is the best place. If you happen to be reading this, it means you on your own self wanted to check on me. And that actually makes me happy, if I may say that. If this never reaches you, I know my place.

Hampir setiap saat teringat. Tengok langit teringat. Pergi airport teringat. Hujan, teringat. Tgk makanan sihat, teringat. Eh dah macam orang bercinta lah. Dapat lesen pun teringat. Yesss!! Did you know I have gotten my lesennn kereta? I drove alone to SP for the first time and wanted to tell you, I wanted to share a lot, A LOT of things, I wanted to ask you a lottt of things, like how was your dayyy, did you watch this video yet? Have you heard the new song cover?? I wanted to ask you is it 'in' or 'on'? But then everytime I look at our last few conversations, I did not do it. I just couldn't. And that, breaks my heart.

I dont know what went wrong. Was it what I said, was it what I did? Even if this is how it should be, even if a no-goodbye separation is considered normal, I would like to at least, have a closure.  Tak sedapnya hati bila tak bercontact berbulan-bulan, bertahun-tahun, without knowing the reason why, but knowing something has happened, only not knowing what that something really was/is. to even like your socmed posts punnn i'm afraid you wouldn't even wanna see my name pops up. :/ jadinya, kita doa. dari jauh.

Of course I remember that you said you'd distance yourself at times, but this time it feels oddly wrong, or maybe just to me. Maybe it won't feel as wrong, if there were goodbyes.

Despite all this, I know I should not let this get in the way of all the good memories we had together. Tak suka bila benda mcm ni disregard the good time. Indeed you had always been there, always a great addition to my life, sebab tu lah duk teringat selalu.

But then again. Maybe, just maybe, while I wanted us so bad, you needed you and perhaps I too, needed me. I wasnt ready to lose any of my favourite persons yet but if that is the case then, I pray for your success, fly high and until we meet again.
May when that time arrives, we then are transformed souls - strong yet gentle, with pride, yet remained humble.

Terima kasih sangat. Dan minta maaf untuk segala lelah. Tak tertulis setiap satu halnya. I used to pray for things to get back like how it used to be, to the extent that I almost disbelieved hopes and prayers when I see it ain't getting there, until I reminded myself to only pray for things to be as Allah has planned, cause indeed He is the best planner, He knows what the future holds. He knows, what is best.

Apa-apapun, please know that you hebat, you kuat. And this cje will always pray for you, insyaAllah selagi nafas masih ada, selagi ingatan masih terpahat. This, I can assure you.

There. I've let it out.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.

You're the only one spelling it like this. While a lot of other people likes to spell my nickname with an additional H.

The things I once worried of.

Friday, June 16, 2017

Ntah. Assignment banyak lagi. I just feel like blogging malam ni. Just a quick one.
Esok ada appointment dengan business manager syarikat carpet untuk dapat material samples. Peh, nak mintak sample je pun.
Nebes ambe.

Lately I've been taking selfies. Lol apa punya statement ni? motif sangat. I mean, sangat dah tak kisah bergambar dengan orang. Asyik fikir, bila lagi. Sebelum ni kemain susah nak bergambar. asyik fikir i really want the moments captured.

Suka tengok bila kawan kita seronok. Bahagialah, bila orang bahagia.
Lately asyik suka tenung kawan-kawan. Terpandang lama. Lagi nak grad lagi sedih.
K padahal belum officially habis lagi third year.

Sepanjang hidup penuh cabaran mental fizikal rohani jasmani segala ni, dengan orang sekeliling lah kita tempuh.
Satu hari nanti, those long conversations sampai ke tengah pagi tengah malam, will be much shorter, those inside jokes those stuff we share sama-sama, group-group whatsapp maybe dah tak berbunyi dah. atau bunyi sekali sekala just to say hi.

Life is busy love is there. Hopefully.

Soon masing-masing akan bawa diri. masing-masing akan ada their own little family.
dan masa tu, satu je saya harap sebenarnya, jangan lupa saya.

(Tapi sebenarnya lebih kepada fikir if I die young. implikasi dekat both family dan kawan-kawan. 

macam mana kalau tak sempat sampaikan apresiasi?
macam mana kalau ada broken hearts i couldnt mend?
hearts that have hurt because of me, because of what i did or what i said.)

Update June 2017: This was written in 2015, tak publish. Dan masing-masing dah bawa diri. Embrace it.

"Keharuman Deen, seperti namamu(ku)"

Sunday, February 12, 2017

"Untuk seorang sahabat baik, yang penyabar. Di mataku, kau nyata seorang muslimah cantik luar dalam dengan semangat dan kebijaksanaanmu, dan betapa bersungguhnya kau mencari ilmu. Kata-katamu di madrasah dahulu, padaku, selalu mengalir ibarat air yang membasahkan tanah keraguan dan kegersangan.
Selamat hari lahir, Keharuman Deen.. Seperti namamu, kau telah lama begitu Dan semoga kekal, dan makin mengharum mewangi, sampai Firdausi!"

Hilang kata-kata nak balas.

Amin beribu kali.

Ini ucapan hari lahir dari Adilla, one I haven't met for years..

Am I still the same?
Masih harum mewangi kah?
Pernah mengharum kah?
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