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Selamat Hari Raya

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

A year of hiatus, can you believe it? Blogging since 2008, (2004 to be exact)... Lepas tu setahun privatekan blog. Ye ye je macam ada orang perasan je. 😂

I haven't stopped, of course. I still write every now and then, dalam phone punya notes, instagram essays...huhuhuhuhdie.

Selamat Hari Raya. This is one of the notes I kept last puasa.

Cerita iftorrrr:

I was at work. 5pm. Dpt mesej mak suruh goreng mee balik kerja nnt. Mak nak pergi kedai ambil kereta baru servis. Mak dah nak keluar tapi duk fikir juadah lagi. Nampak ye di situ mem tengah kalut.

So I got home, mak belum balik lagi, abah dah balik.

Abah mintak siapkan lauk nak hantar ke atok dan wan. Sambil menggoreng mi dan memanaskan lauk, dengar pintu terbuka, mak balik.

"Buat kuih apa harini?" abah tny mak yang baru masuk rumah.
"Tak ada buat kuih pun..." mak jwb slow.. Abah suka makan kuih utk berbuka.

"Eiiihh.. Tak buat kuih...?!" abah cuba annoy mak, dari meja makan. They weren't facing each other.

"Saya ni keluar masuk keluar masuk harini... Mana sempat nak buat blabla.." mak tgh bkk tdg, dkt ruang lain.

"Alah... Abah nak jugak makan kuih..." second successful attempt to annoy.
"Mana sempat singgah mana2 tadi, terus balik rumah..." mak cuba tenang tp dpt rasa aura fed up tu ye.

Masa yang sama I saw abah put something on the table. Bawah tudung.

Dah siap bungkus lauk untuk atok. Hulur bekal ke abah. Nampak abah tambah something dan tahan senyum. Abah keluar.

Mak kembali join di dapur nak siap2 meja. Bukak tudung saji.

Ada tepung bungkus, lompang dan seri muka.

Mak takleh tahan senyum "Eiiihhh. Saja je lah nak buat orang marah."


The Letter, undelivered.

This is, an agony. I really miss you but I couldn't find the best way to express.
What if I tell you and I would only end up making you feel uncomfortable?
I don't want that.
Us being us, fahamlah, you may or may not feel the same way ey.  I really do wonder if you are feeling the same and missing me too, or you wouldn't wanna hear a thing from me. Anymore.

I wrote this (and more I decided not to disclose here), months before your birthday, teringin nak wish although you have always hated it haha, but I did not want to be an annoyance. Hence, the blog post. Of which I do hope it reaches you, but I know I shouldn't expect.

I guess this blog is the best place. If you happen to be reading this, it means you on your own self wanted to check on me. And that actually makes me happy, if I may say that. If this never reaches you, I know my place.

Hampir setiap saat teringat. Tengok langit teringat. Pergi airport teringat. Hujan, teringat. Tgk makanan sihat, teringat. Eh dah macam orang bercinta lah. Dapat lesen pun teringat. Yesss!! Did you know I have gotten my lesennn kereta? I drove alone to SP for the first time and wanted to tell you, I wanted to share a lot, A LOT of things, I wanted to ask you a lottt of things, like how was your dayyy, did you watch this video yet? Have you heard the new song cover?? I wanted to ask you is it 'in' or 'on'? But then everytime I look at our last few conversations, I did not do it. I just couldn't. And that, breaks my heart.

I dont know what went wrong. Was it what I said, was it what I did? Even if this is how it should be, even if a no-goodbye separation is considered normal, I would like to at least, have a closure.  Tak sedapnya hati bila tak bercontact berbulan-bulan, bertahun-tahun, without knowing the reason why, but knowing something has happened, only not knowing what that something really was/is. to even like your socmed posts punnn i'm afraid you wouldn't even wanna see my name pops up. :/ jadinya, kita doa. dari jauh.

Of course I remember that you said you'd distance yourself at times, but this time it feels oddly wrong, or maybe just to me. Maybe it won't feel as wrong, if there were goodbyes.

Despite all this, I know I should not let this get in the way of all the good memories we had together. Tak suka bila benda mcm ni disregard the good time. Indeed you had always been there, always a great addition to my life, sebab tu lah duk teringat selalu.

But then again. Maybe, just maybe, while I wanted us so bad, you needed you and perhaps I too, needed me. I wasnt ready to lose any of my favourite persons yet but if that is the case then, I pray for your success, fly high and until we meet again.
May when that time arrives, we then are transformed souls - strong yet gentle, with pride, yet remained humble.

Terima kasih sangat. Dan minta maaf untuk segala lelah. Tak tertulis setiap satu halnya. I used to pray for things to get back like how it used to be, to the extent that I almost disbelieved hopes and prayers when I see it ain't getting there, until I reminded myself to only pray for things to be as Allah has planned, cause indeed He is the best planner, He knows what the future holds. He knows, what is best.

Apa-apapun, please know that you hebat, you kuat. And this cje will always pray for you, insyaAllah selagi nafas masih ada, selagi ingatan masih terpahat. This, I can assure you.

There. I've let it out.

I am not sure what is going to happen next.

You're the only one spelling it like this. While a lot of other people likes to spell my nickname with an additional H.
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