Pretense/Selfish

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Old writing.

Please don't see me as a competitor, see me as a friend. I beg.

Menjadi saksi kepura-puraan manusia depan mata, bikin jiwa jadi takut; takut jadi pada diri.
'If' it has yet to happen. Has it tho, and I did not realise?
The words that repeatedly came out were:
"Don't do that to me." Don't. Please. Don't. I don't wanna know there are people who had to be fake in front of me. To even think about it being possible, is killing me.

"Tapi hang bukan rugi apa kalau orang buat macam tu dekat hang." Yenjel.
True.

But it's just that I do not wish to learn at any point in my life that I have once let pretentious people into my life, to know that I have once deliberately let them made marks on me, even though it was through fake feelings, 'especially' if it was through that.
How sad and hurtful would that be?

Tapi ya iyalah. Manusia dan ragamnya.
Manusia dan pengalaman.
Manusia seluruhnya.
Bukan kita pun yang boleh kawal.

Nauzubillah min zalik.
Moga semua beroleh kehidupan dalam kasih sayang sebenar,
ternaungi rapi bawah jagaan Pemilik cinta sekaliannya.

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"Tolong jangan baik sangat, nanti orang pijak kepala." AMAW, 2009.

This heart, had been constantly bruised indeed.

Kenapalah fikir pasal orang sangat. It's a selfish world some people tak pernah fikir pasal orang pun and they can live just well.

I grew up, with good hearts surrounding me. Orang pijak pun masih nak anggap terpijak.
But it's suffocating to sometimes let yourself acknowledge that you're feeling unappreciated. Kan orang dah cakap, jangan harap manusia. Harap Tuhan je yang appreciate.

Tapi itulah. They say wanting to be good is one thing, to stay good is another.

Tak apalah. I wanna stay and be good. Not for you, not for other people, but for a better me. Tak apalah. Bukannya lama pun hidup kat dunia ni.

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I've finished studio life. Not in the way I've imagined, though. But studio has already ended.
Can we quickly move on to the next phase in life?

Can I move on tho, from the memories?

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#np Bring Me The Horizon - Drown (Live from Maida Vale)
What doesn't kill you makes you wish you were dead. 
Got a hole in my soul, growing deeper and deeper. 
And I can't take one more moment of this silence. 
The loneliness is haunting me. 
And the weight of the world's getting harder to hold up. 

It comes in waves, I close my eyes. 
Hold my breath and let it bury me. 
I'm not okay, and it's not alright. 
Won't you drag the lake and bring me home again? 

Who will fix me now? Dive in when I'm down? 
Save me from myself, don't let me drown. 
Who will make me fight? Drag me out alive? 
Save me from myself, don't let me drown.

Self--

IG: Feb 26, 2016 
Boulevard of Broken Dreams

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Mak always tells me not to think of just myself, to always think about other people.

So I've been living in this world, carefully, always trying to check if I missed anyone behind.
"If I do this, would that affect you/him/her in anyway?"

Sad, sad thing, when you have to live with a bunch of selfish pricks.
Who care only of their time.

Me being me, I must settle one thing at a time.
I need to have adequate information as soon as possible so I can schedule my, life.

I don't expect my final semester to be like this.
Alone. Buat kerja dalam bilik. Pergi studio sekejap-sekejap.

When studio used to be my first mahallah all this while.
Sampai kadang-kadang mandi pun dekat KAED when you can't afford to 'tak mandi lagi' anymore that time.
Sampai pernah bawak baju macam nak camping.

Tidur anywhere. Anytime. Dalam studio.

I've always seen my major abbrev. 'ID' as.. individualistic. ...


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Update (Jun 2017) Hahah. This was a draft I kept and never finished. Terkilan masa tu pasal final presentation. Alolo sedihnya kita di final semester. Tapi ye mmg lonely pun final semester. Huhu. k