Aren't you being unfair to yourself?

Kalau ikut kalendar Hijr, I am 29 years old. Meniti hari demi hari nak jejak usia 30an.

I still have one more year ikut kalendar Gregori...Gregorian?

Looking back, I started blogging when I was in Primary. Masa tu ejaan pun tunggang langgang, grammar pun ke laut.

Sekarang pun macam masih ke laut. Tapi mungkin berpelampung. Rojak masih rojak.

Random, semestinya.

Nowadays I find things that I don't really want to, or feel safe to, share on my IG ke apa... I come back to this blog.. sobs am I taking you for granted, my blog?

I honestly do not know if anyone is reading this blog eh. But if you are here, thank you.

Hmm. Ceritanya... 

Haritu our CEO signed me up for a coaching session, for 5 months. I thought that it was a professional coaching punya tapi turns out it was a life coaching ahah

Dipendekkan cerita, ada satu session I had to evaluate where I am at the moment in terms of family, friends, career and studies, health, life partner etc.

I rated myself quite high for most of the things except for 2 - "health" and "life partner" ahahah yang paling takde progress i tell you.

Sekali my coach asked me in depth pula...

For health, it's basically my volatile weight lah, turun naik mendadak, and often unintended. I mean I could lose 10kg in a year, or up to 30kg without the intention and before I know it, I would regain all the lost kilos and sometimes even more in a blink of an eye. Tak pernahnya nak ada betul-betul inner motivation untuk conscious eating. Eh pernahlah sekali. My period was irregular and I noticed only if jaga makan and all, baru ok balik the cycle. I asked ustazah and ustazah ckp, since I know that cause, jadi mcm amanah dan tanggungjawablah for me to lose some weight. And so I did. Tapi tulah bila lepas tu cycle dah ok, byebye diet haha

So I told this to my coach. Ok. Kita letak tepi dulu. We'll come back to my weight story.

Then she asked if I have ever been in a relationship.

Nope, not even once.

And she asked if anyone ever approached me.

Haha I don't think so. I added, if I felt like someone is probably approaching to be more than a friend, I would quickly brush it off and tell myself, there's no way that is the case. 

Kemudian, soalannya if I ever approached someone.

Hah! Gaaa mungkin. I told her maybe because... I don't know, the idea of having someone to spend the rest of your life with, is scary to me. Yikes. And I feel dengan kerjanya, dengan belajarnya, maybe I don't have the time and space to let someone in.

Maka my coach asked,

"What makes you think being in a relationship will make you less productive? What makes you think it won't push you forward?"

Adusshh.. and that got me thinking. Benar. I am shutting the door mungkin sebab takut kacau my life plans ahaha

She asked if I ever thought about friends, if not someone new?

Katanya, just think of my group of close friends - we became close because we managed to let each other in. Why not I let down my guard with any potential life partner among my existing friends, she suggested.

Huish. Selain "Like... siapa??" Hm. Wait. Kalau ya pun, that thought actually also scares me, risking a friendship. But I also don't think I wanna marry a stranger. 

And then she proceeds to connecting the dots.

1. I brush it off whenever someone tries to get closer.

2. I do not try to get closer to anyone.

"Syaza," she said. "You are a very nice person. From our previous sessions, I can tell how you are very understanding and have high empathy for other people. You are able to hold your judgment, but I would like to ask you, Syaza.."

Dup dap

"When it comes to this matter, aren't you being unfair to the other person? Did you not somehow prejudge that this person would not be a good life partner that you want to be with? And Syaza, aren't you also judging yourself that you are not capable of accepting love from other people? By doing that, aren't you being unfair to yourself?" 

Mashalla.

Terdiam gwe.

And it really got me thinking...maybe she is right.

TAPI MANA MAU CARI.

My workplace semua perempuan. Huhu.

...

Selingan

Masa fellowship pun, Aizat dgn Hazwan sll kenenkan Fashah sebab single, tapi Fashah cakap "Korang sibuk cari untuk aku, Syaza pun single!" Then I remember Aizat jawab,

"Syaza aku tak risau sangat, nanti adalah tu. Skrg ni dia pun takde vibe tengah mencari."

Hahaha cemano.

...

Before the end of the session, Clara asked me to give myself a chance, and do something as my task before our next call. Which led me to...... *drum rolls* signing up for an online dating site.

Gaaaah most awkward phase of my life.

"Caje, hang ni sampai jadi task baru nak buat." Aina.

Haha itulah tu.

But the plus side of it, sebab kena tulis pasal diri sendiri dan ciri pasangan yang nak dicari *cringe*

I am at least a bit clearer lah of myself and who am I looking for.

Cuma, I don't think meeting and getting to know someone new, online is for me.

 It's...just...awkward. 

Tapi nak jumpa orang baru pun, COVID pulak 🤣

Our final session, my coach said this to me,

"You must be found, Syaza. I may be wrong, but this is what I think: You are uncomfortable with the spotlight and you thought gaining weight was the easiest way to hide yourself from other people." CL, 2021. Spot on.

It was freaky sebab that was indeed what my 14yo self thought, that by being physically unattractive, I would avoid having to deal with relationship problems during my school years. But it went on until today. Demit all these life coaches digging into your past. Ahah

Ntahlah nak. I told my mum maybe at the age of 35 I will actively search for a life partner. It may come sooner or later than 35 okay' i'm okay, but for now maybe for myself to make an active and voluntary move, 35. Of courselah kena berleter ahaha

Hm.

Itu jelah. Sekadar tengiang-ngiang.

Am I not giving anyone the chance to get to know me? Pfft, is there even anyone trying to get to know me.

Am I not giving myself a chance?

Am I being unfair to myself?